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2002-10-12 : 12:12 p.m.
A happy memory that sustains
Listening to: Stabbing Westward...still.
" I'm tangled and broken/ left scattered on the floor... -It's not like you can save me/ It's not like you even care/ I'm finding it so hard to hold on/ This is where it falls apart..." --Stabbing Westward I broke (of course) and called Shawn last night... the evening progressed and I promised myself I would not call him. I've felt like just a bother- for too long. Key word there: "felt". I just figured he would call if he really wanted to talk to me. And so, I had just gotten off the phone with Shari. It was about 1:20 a.m. and (stupidly i think), I couldn't resist. I called him. And you know what? He was actually in a talkative, good mood. And we began- what was to be- a delightful and fun conversation. I couldn't be happier- that he just seemed to sound better, for once. We talked about silly, random things- and at some point we turned to discussing what he had written in diaryland that night. Which was a list of '20' HAPPY memories... YESSS!!! "HAPPY" memories... I was so elated, moved, and even relieved that for a moment he was at least open and receptive to happier thoughts. We went on to discuss in more detail about each of those memories... and I'm happy to report- in the very short time we spent together- he had at least one "happy" memory to take away, that incuded us. He asked me to guess what it was- and of course I was right. How could I forget? It was the first (and one of only about three- sadly) -full day(s) we spent together. A day where we were together from our first morning breath- 'till the sun set. The day was simple really- we walked, shopped around, visited bookstores, had coffee, lunch, and aaahhhhh... the best part- -the part that was so genuine- so peaceful- -the act of sitting on a park bench and just being. Yes, I remember- I remember the perfect banter- how we learned about each other and discovered wonderful things. Like, how eerily similar our dreams and aspirations were... how in tune our needs and wants were- MMmmmm.... Yes, I remember the day- the conversation so clearly... the smell of him, the clothes he was wearing... and more importantly the two most pivotal things he has ever said to me- -things that would go on to define us... -things that from that day, I think only I remember... That was the first day I ever heard him refer to me as his "girlfriend" We were inside the Virgin Mega Store where I was at the counter paying, when I heard a seperate clerk ask him if he needed any help? he turned over and replied: "oh no... thank you..." (with a smile and bubbly tone of voice), "I'm waiting for my girlfriend- Thank you." He actually seemed a bit proud. And in that instant- my knees wavered- I was filled with such a rush of angst, gitty-ness, flattery, and fear. I was blushed. I looked over to him and loved him with my eyes. The second pivitol phrase came later on- after much conversation on the park bench. We were just being quiet and in each others arms... broken by only the occasional glance to each other. We were taking it all in- the people sitting across, around, walking by, the sun setting, the cool and comfortable temperature for summer... When at some point- we looked at each other again... and he uttered a line- (he would unkowingly repeat at least a few times in the future)... "...We're going to be good together... I know..." "How do you know?" "I know." The memory that flooded back to me as I lay on my bed, alone- tore at me, as he continued to talk on the phone. See, I had spent the last month trying to forget, let go, almost systematically, memory by memory. I had forced them all to the back of my mind- And in a matter of minutes it all went to hell, the relentless effort, to let him go- useless. I was devastated all over again, although ironically happy at the same time, that he at least remembered.... but I needed him at my side- again. Yet as before- as it has been... he was not there. Only pillows piled up to fill the gap to my side... on a bed that all of a sudden feels to big. The conversation ended quickly there after. Which all brought me back to another sleepless night of thinking... and worst... hoping. The dreamy and relentlessly imaginative side of me- began the heart wrenching saga of creating scenarios... -Maybe he will ask if we can get together for lunch... -Maybe he'll call me after work tomorrow and want to see me... - Maybe he'll wisk me off and ask me to stay over- just to sleep, and just be. Wake up with another morning breath. Yeah... All maybe's... trapped, only to live in my mind. And then the heaviest of thoughts come over and dwell to this very second... -How long will I hold up? I mean, Shawn will get better. He will... and I hope for him it all comes together- soon. Really. But then what? He won't need me at all at some point- and worse, (although naturally) he will be with someone else- And we will not speak again. It's as if I'm waiting for the ultimate and last fire work to explode- the anticipation of the end... before it becomes smoke and blows over. The anticipation is killing me. Because I admittedly still hold on to every little thing of him... for the simple reason...
I do not want to let him go.
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