2002-10-18 : 12:15 p.m
marital counseling of sorts

Well, here I am- on my lovely work break... sitting on a couch outside the ladies room- (set up for the occasional lawyer nap time I suppose)-- and am about to write out what is hopefully the last of this mess (to be explained)... with the iridescent orchestral backdrop of toilet flushes, pee-flows, burps(?), other unknown gases, and annoying superficial banter-

"oh, cute shoes..."

"Really? oh, thank you..."

They say nothing more and proceed with the daunting task of checking the hair with a flip and their lip gloss...

And exit one by one, in classic 'I have a 24k dildo up my ass' fashion...

And with the delightful mood I am in, I can't help but to throw them a Jason Mewes fashioned kiss as they pass... which they unintentionally do not notice... since their line of sight is thwarted by the upward intrusion of their noses... and subsequently can't help but to mumble lovingly... "Dumb-fucks�"

And thus, my day begins... grrrrr...

I'm sure my mood isn't helped by the fact that I still get hit with waves of nausea... at least this little bathroom episode has helped me to redirect my energy from: removing the welt of tears that wanted to explode from the core of my throat... to a seemingly, yet debatable form of anger of just wanting to bitch slap some of these nerds... grrrr...

yes, I suppose it's back to my work station, where I will continue this on the 'puter...

Well this is the dily-oh diary... I have just read the entry of my previous beloved shawnbus... and nearly had a... ummm... how do you spell it? KANIP-TION... Hebrew as I understand for: anxiety attack... persay?

First and foremost... he gives me a little note at the end of his entry... which I�m sure is to soften the blow to me in some way... for this (new dedication, positive/or not- entry to her)... to which I am grateful... for the intent...

Nonetheless, in then reading her entry: kiorama... the anger that ensued was beyond anything at this point... because they are in fact... get this kids... having an argument that they obviously neglected to finish once and for all, when they broke up, past (March/April?)... and now, with me as the cushion in between� the argument continues.

Well here goes a quick blow: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KILEY, CALL HIM ALREADY...

And Shawn, really... really, really, love, really... I�m so insane over this already, it's making me laugh... Christ, so she fucking cheated on you, once, twice, ten times whatever� does it really matter at this point? All you need is one charge of infidelity, one--- to know if you can handle the hurdle of a lie--- one--- the second, third, or whatever are almost superfluous to the matter really� The trust has been long gone� The fact that you are getting upset, even now, in the tiny-est � bit, I think speaks to a larger matter� which is � yes, you do still have feelings for her� Look, just toy with my argument a bit, ey? Really would it matter to you so much? Would you read her entries like you do? Would you� anything really if feelings weren�t still there? Don�t be so proud to deny the facts� they are what they are, and you shouldn�t feel bad that you still have feelings for her� you can�t force it out of your system�

Jesus, I can�t believe� I, of all people wrapped up in this shit, am saying what I am� but I�ve made a choice to not be wrapped up in the benign blindness of it all� as much as I have grown to love you and in spite of all this.

I have read her diary entry� and even in the midst of all your spews of her--- well� what she wrote seems pretty sincere� as much of a fuck up- you try and try to convince everyone and yourself that she is, and may be she just might be� Buuuuttt� she is human and not that I am choosing to come to anyone�s defense here� but why would she bother to respond to the issue at all, if she didn�t at least care on some fundamental level? And really� I�m sure� I�m sure� the whole �blaming� thing here is a defense mechanism� because it is never entirely 100% one sided you see� never. Even if the fault may lean more to one end. Just do yourself the favor and get her out of your system� if that�s what you really want� and do what you have to do, to do it� even if that means having her back in your life to some extent, or having a �civilized� conversation with her� just do it, ey? Just keep in mind that the answers you hear� may not be the answers YOU WANT. Which is very key.

I swear on Moses� God better grant me some kudo/mother Theresa points for this rant� I may have actually conducted myself in a rather adult manner for once. In spite of my feelings and interpretations of others� that I may have been accidentally (in the least) screwed on this deal.

:) Smooches love and good luck.



previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24