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2002-10-28 : 11:34 a.m.
oh Paul...
Listening to: Everclear, so much for the after glow
My brain is just reeling from so many things happening at once... so many things I want to write about... so much to just process... Shawn (still, yes), my roommate is moving out... so I've been holding these pseudo-interviews for a new one, my adventures with my new acting class, my hormones, maybe some new teeth, the elusive Danny (A.), and my celestine chance encounters... three now, which I'm totally floored by... Well, I'll start with celestine number three: Paul S... Mmmmm... yes, Paul... a total Pete Sampras look a-like. Except taller, less hair on the chest, and just so fucking suave... oh, and in college... was he ever the ladies man... I must have been a freshman when I met him in the theatre department, he was a graduate student... he had flamboyantly black rich curly hair... at least 6ft tall... and an energy about him, that just drew you in... problem? oh, the bitch knew what he had all too well... I learned all too quickly... of the reputation that proceeded him... girl's flocked to him like fly's to a venus fly trap... and I always noticed those select few that didn't... and eventually I would always find out why... they had been oh so- fucked! (over, under, whatever...) Yeah burned... But aside from the fact he was such a womanizer, I always admired Paul... he was so hungry as an actor... (and if your not in the biz- the hunger I speak is hard to define, it's a kind of drive). He was a self-taught everything... he tapped, waltzed, modern... whatever. He played every instrument (again, self taught): electric, bass, acoustic, bongo's, drums... whatever. he was a painter and a poet, and any drugs in between. He had such a hunger to be perfect... solid... in his craft. I always became transfixed when he was on stage or when I saw him at auditions... and not that he was, by any means, a phenomenal actor... but that hunger to learn and continue growing, was well??? ummm... erotic and so attractive to me. And I'll never for get the day, he finally came over to me... (I had decided to attend one of his- parties...) and began that (obvious) chit chat with me... it was the first time he had me pinned down, so he could "talk". You see, I would always run into him... always... on campus, in the theatre department, auditions, meetings, whatever... and he always took notice of me and smiled, and in numerous occasions tried to spark a conversation... And well with his rep and all... and out of a bit of fear and disgust really... I just took no notice. I would nod or smile back... but always keep on walking, with added speed to my pace... So yeah, at this party he had me pinned... I had to carry a conversation with this kid... my knees were shaking... I was like a baby rabbit, caught in a corner by the hungry wolf... uhhh... a fine hungry wolf... grrrr... Ironically enough, it was one of his current "fucks" that saved me... she spotted us in the front yard (me, pinned against the bushes) and walked a bit over... and gave a stare that could have eatin' me alive... he must have seen the look on my face, because it caused him to turn... and boy did I jump on that moment... "ooooh look at that... uhh... looks like people are starting to leave, better make sure Jill hasn't left me behind... uhhh, gonna go look for her... yeah, okay... uhhhh... see ya..." I didn't give him a chance to reply and walked so fast back into that house, all I can remember is how my heart raced... I laugh, when I think about it now... because I am not easily intimidated by boys... if anything I'm a bit of a smart ass with them... but Paul... shit, Paul... I always wondered how anyone held that sort of "unspoken or unprovoked" power... it's just insane to me... By my senior year, he had left to New York and subsequently gotten a part working with Blue Man Group... (to this day, my favourite performance piece of all time... ) It has been four years since I have seen him... ahem... I had gotten on the train after my acting class on sunday... (and just like the other celestine encounters I had just had... to be explained, promise) the surrounding circumstances were out of the ordinary... first, we were let out late from class, two I got lost with my new adoptive buddy trying to find the subway stop, and three, I decided to take the time and share a smoke with him- before catching a train, again not the norm... so basically, this was not my normal train, at the normal hour... yada, yada... and not the normal train cart I get into... it was a middle one... I'm usually a front or back cart- on the train... but not today... It was the stop after mine, and I was sitting up against the window... when through the exit directly adjacent to me... Paul comes walking in.... He waltzed in with a friend... and chose to just stand there and talk... rather than take a seat... he had his acoustic guitar (in case) strapped to his back... Mmmm... My immediate reaction was to turn my face, so that he wouldn't see me... until I realized how silly that was... I thought: it's been years... why on earth would he recognize me or even remember me for that matter... he and I were never close... So I just sat and happily looked at him and looked at him... he hadn't changed. His demeanor, his hair, his scruff... Mmmm... Paul. he just continued to chat and chat... unaware of my presence... At some point, and for no particular reason he glanced in my direction... and I froze... but he quickly turned back around and kept talking... so I just assumed (as I thought) that he did not recognize me... so I just continued with my blatant observations... his friend quickly after gave him a nudge and gave a kind of gesture (you see, I couldn't quite hear them)... which I understood as: our stop is up... the train began it's approach to the 49th st. stop... and they walked over to the exit, and this time he made an obvious attempt to look over at me... I don't know why, but I couldn't help it... so I smiled... and I�ll never forget the change of expression on his face... he just completely lit up and with the biggest smile I had ever seen on him... started to yell, just as the doors were opening- and he was caught between the train entrance and the platform... "I knew it! I just knew it! Oh my God! Wow..." He yelled with such excitement, everyone on the train looked over to me... I was completely shocked at his elated response... all I could do was laugh in my seat... And in that same instant, his friend from behind, grabbed him, as if pulling him out of a fight, before the doors closed on him... I must have been so blushed, as people were starring at me, as if looking for answers... as I just sat there. As soon as the train began to move, I turned to try and see him out the window... and there he was walking along with his friend, looking back in, talking away with such excitement... I was so perplexed... I thought back to him and wondered why I, would stir such emotions for him... and funny enough, the only thing I could think of was... well, I still have my clothes on (*giggles*)... It became such a weird moment for me... I could only imagine what he was thinking... why the elation? what he maybe, really thought of me... back then... how he never knew really what I thought of him... I mean, there's was nothing really of tangible substance between us... it was just a raw and strange energy that just always seemed to bounce between each other... the feeling was just always so strange... As quickly as the moment passed, this new memory became bittersweet... As I can only wonder if another random sequence of events, will give me the chance to meet him again... and just ask... how and why?
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