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2002-11-08 : 3:21 p.m.
to believe
Listening to: Depeche Mode, Violator
At the moment track seven is sticking out... Policy of Truth. "... It's too late to change events/ It's time to face the consequence/ For delivering the proof/ In the policy of truth/ ...Never again/ Is what you swore the time before/ ...Never again/ Is what you swore the time before..." --Depeche Mode Eeeehh... this song reminds me of much... present circumstances of course... but a distant memory as well. When I was fourteen (freshman in High school), I submitted a play I had written, into my first Florida Thespian District level competitions... entitled: Policy of Forgiveness. (Title similarities intended. This song actually, was to play through-out the play in phases, till the show's end.) To give you a brief synopsis... the play centered around 4 characters... who were all related in some fashion... a mother, a grandfather, the son, the girlfriend. And each of these characters possessed a "problem" if you will... for example we have a mother who is addicted to pain killers... who gets worse and worse, in response to the problems of those around her. She is convinced no one knows what she does. This is true for each character and their own infliction. The paradox lies in their inability to help the other... as that would mean having to face themselves and admit to the ultimate truth: that silence breeds it's own lie, which over time becomes indistinguishable from the authentic truth. I guess you'd have to read it to understand, but that's the premise anyhow... Well, the judges as it were... chewed my ass apart. Ehh... well, I guess it wasn't that severe in retrospect... but at the time, if I didn't get a perfect score, it always meant it wasn't good enough... I never submitted anything again after that. I swore, I would not subject any of my work (of any kind) to any judgment... until I felt it could not be perfected any more. Needless to say... I learned after many years (and quite a few missed opportunities), that such a level of comfort can never be achieved. Never. As a result, I find myself stopping mid-swing with different projects over and over again... because the sense of frustration that it fills me with, is relentless. It's like this painting I have... I "finished" it years ago... and yet, every time I look at it... I can't help but to think it needs something more... something damn it. I've never written a piece... of any form... that left me satisfied. I've never emerged from a play... satisfied. Stood up to read prose... satisfied. I really do annoy myself with this. I wish I could change. I think I'm more grief to myself than it's worth. In my last acting class, this young girl (not really an actress herself) tried to explain why she thought I was good. "The work was untidy... no discipline... good?" I asked. "Yeah... I don't know how to explain it... you get up there... and you just... want to watch..." "You 'WANT' to watch...?" "Yeah... no matter what you do... it's like people want to watch you... It's a bit commanding... you understand?" I know what she's talking about. I've been told this before. She's talking about the "IT" factor. You can be the most disciplined of actors, the most knowledgeable in your craft... but if you don't have the "IT"... the presence on stage... well, you're fucked frankly... and the worst part is... it's something you cannot control... it's like trying to grasp at that perplexing phenomena we call "luck". I'm sure it's a wonderful feeling: thinking... "well, at least I know I 'posses' that much..." I would love to know what kind of release that would create... but I don't know how to believe.
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