2006-05-24 : 2:31 p.m.
hello, goodbye

I find myself reading Mare and feeling like I should turn away. You can't console someone going through that. You can do nor say anything. It's a crippling pain. And I've always wondered if being surrounded by people or being alone really makes that much of a difference. Except maybe to distract you momentarily.

Reading her ups and owns, give me a sense of anxiety. It makes me think of Danny. And frankly, I don't think of him as often as I use to and if I do, I try not to. I feel as if it's a game I have royally lost at, and have been shown the ultimate truth that nothing will ever change a bit of said circumstances. And as such, thinking about it only makes me despair. Not to mention that it leads to so many thoughts. For instance, that is it only a matter of time for when it will happen again. And I just don't want to go there. Relative ignorance is pure bliss under these circumstance.

And the irony is, I don't despise death very much. I don't think I have much of an opinion for that which I just don't understand. Even if the conclusion is as simple as "the cycle of life". It's life that irritates me. It's life that angers me. It's life and the time it travels on, that gives and vehemently rips it away. It's life I have always had a gripe with. It's life that forces you to say good-bye.

And it doesn't matter how zen I try to be about it. Acknowledging that one side of the colorful spectrum cannot exist without the other, makes nothing better for me. For if even I lose sight and remember all that is good, in spite of what is bad; no realization will forgive me and return what I have lost. Those rights are reserved for Disney characters.

You know there is such a thing as survivor's guilt... and no matter what they say, it never truly leaves you.


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* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24