2003-04-14 : 12:33 a.m.
He wanted to let go... at the right time.

Written: 4-14-03 Time: 12:26 a.m.

I�m just tired of waiting. So I grab my calling card... and call her... thousands, upon thousands of miles away, in Chile.

�Mami?� (Mommy?)

�Ah!..no...no...espera (wait)...� A momentary pause...and the phone is passed. I hear, �...es la Ale...� (It�s Ale.) In the back ground.

�Halo?�

�Mami?�

�Si...si...� (Yes...yes...) My mother responded.

And the rest was spoken in castellano... (Spanish...) However, translated.

�Ale...� my mother sighed, �Ale... it�s okay. Don�t worry... it�s okay. It�s going to be hard, but it�s okay. He suffered so much. And it�s better now. �Esta tranquilito� (He�s at peace.)�

�I know mami. I know.�

�He was waiting for me.�

�He was waiting?�

�Yes... see, he was fine... fine the week before I got here... and good the day I arrived. He didn�t fall ill until the following day.�

�Okay...�

�Your tia (aunt) Elizabeth, didn�t tell him I was coming. He was home, fine, standing in his room. You remember his room?�

�Yes, mami.�

�It�s huge... It�s bigger than my and your father�s room�

Very true... my grandfather decided since he�d never get to live in a palace, he�d make his room the equivalent. He built an extension at the end of his bedroom. Making the room itself larger and longer, than the other half of the house altogether.
Typical of his temperament.
If the man didn�t have it, and wanted it so, then he took it upon himself to make it happen.

�Yes mami, I remember.�

�Well,� she continued. �He was standing all the way at the end. And your tia Elizabeth told him, �Daddy are you sitting down? Daddy sit down.� And he wouldn�t sit down. �Daddy...� your tia would tell him, �Daddy, I have a surprise, but you have to sit down.� and he just didn�t want to sit down...�

Again typical of the man�s temperament. Stubborn and independent as hell.

�Then she said, �You have to sit to get your surprise�. So he finally sat down... And I came in. He squinted and squinted... because I was so far and couldn�t see me...�

�Did he recognize you mami? I mean with all the medication he was on...�

�No...but it was because he couldn�t see me... so I started to walk towards him... and he started doing that sparkle and smile with his eyes...�

It�s true... not to toot his horn, just because he�s my grandfather and all... but he had those crystal super man blue, eyes.
He really was a stunning man in his youth. With the stature, height, build, platinum natural blonde, and those blue eyes.
And he had this way that he smiled.
I�m not sure if it came with age, or if it was always that way. Since even my very first memories of him, are as an already grey and bald... but still very tall, grandfather. But his eyes, always, upon always, would curl and tilt up... and smile... before he, himself would actually smile.

The man could literally smile... without moving his lips or lower facial muscles.
It was cool.
If only because as a kid, he could keep this poker face, as you were getting yelled at by your mother... (for not eating your peas and such...) and he would look over at you, crack the smile with his eyes...
and you�d know... always, without fail... that he was holding something secret and sweet for you in the end.
And mom would not have a say about it! Because he was her daddy of course... and had a kind of veto power.

�Well... he kept smiling... with his eyes... and the closer I got... the more they would slant in his expression... until I got really close, and he smiled completely. He didn�t believe what he was seeing at first. He thought he was hallucinating.� She then paused a bit, the happy, fair speech...with this delightful story...just changed. Completely changed.

�But then,� she said. �But then the next day...he was in so much pain. The cancer, you know?�

�Yes, mami.�

�And the pain was too much. And so we took him by ambulance to the hospice. You have to understand... he didn�t want hospitals. He made us promise that if he ever got really sick, that we wouldn�t do anything to prolong his life. No tubes. He didn�t want tubes.�

�I know mami. I know he didn�t want that.�

�He wanted to die Ale... you have to understand he�d already been saying it. The pain was too much. And he wanted to die.�

I tried, but I couldn�t. I cried... al be it, as quietly as I possibly could. But my mom, is my mom... and she knows the act.

�No lllores Ale...� (Don�t cry Ale...) �He made us promise, that we would let him die when it was time. So we took him there, and they gave him as much medication as possible to make him comfortable. Without having to put any tubes in him. And once they did, he closed his eyes. Since Monday... his eyes had been closed. It�s how he wanted it. No tubes. No life support. We could have. But he didn�t want it any other way.�

�But mami... you got to talk to him...right? Some? At least?�

�Yes... yes Ale. I did, but it all happened so fast. And he had been doing okay. And then he just fell drastically ill from the cancer. They say, he had been waiting for me. And I think he was...� she pauses. �I�ve cried a lot... a lot. But it�s okay. It�s all going to be okay. Because he�s okay now. And tomorrow, we go back to bury him. At about 2p.m. And it�s a cemetery near by. And it�s so pretty. So don�t worry. I�ve seen it. And it�s even prettier than some of the cemeteries back home. So don�t worry, it�s all going to be okay.�

�Okay mami.�

�Don�t cry Ale... It will be okay. Tomorrow will be hard. But it will get better with time. It�s okay, te lo prometo...(that I promise...).�

�Okay...okay mami...� I really just couldn�t say anything. Anything else. And yet, that was the farthest thing from the truth.

�Ale... I will call you at the end of the week. Everything is okay? Your papers? Your daddy told me you found them?�

�Yes...yes... mami, everything is okay...I got it. Daddy wrote the wrong address.�

�Ay! Typical!�

�It�s okay...it�s okay mami...� Pause. �Mami?�

�Yes, Ale.�

�I�m sorry mami. I�m really sorry.� And I lose it.

�It�s okay Ale. It will be okay. He�s okay now. I just thank God I was here. That I could be here. I would have gone crazy, if I were still at the house.�

�I know mami.�

�But he waited.�

�I know.� And for some odd reason, as much as I don't believe in things like a "biblical God", I do belief in the strength in simple ordianry things. And the simple component of energy all things posses.

And for this, I truely believe he waited. Somehow... he willed it. And in pain, still waited.

�Okay... I�ll call you at the end of the week then, okay?�

�Okay mami...�

And then we both stumble, as we speak over each other... �I love you...�

And then a confusion of �Que?� (What?) �Quien?� (Who) �Como?� (Come again?) infuses the conversation.
Until I just put an end to it,

�Mami!�

�Yes?�

�I love you very much mami...�

�I love you too.�

And I love you too Tata...

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24