|
2002-08-05 : 4:02 p.m.
J & K
My roomie gave me a bit of the heart breaking saga behind he and his ex.... whom he was with for four years.... Funny, we have an insane amount in common, yet from total opposing views...
he told me about the last year and a half of their relationship and how she became completely withdrawn... and he simply couldn't do it anymore... I felt so bad for him... because he was in Jorge's exact same position and I undeniably in hers. It was an earily Celestine Prophecy moment... because in perfect clarity and utter calmness he explained the turmoil, angst, and pain he felt... and i thought: i too have done this to someone... and then i shared with him about me... and i think i gave him a sense of comfort... because he too got a perfectly calm and clear explanation of my point of view... of those vacant and spacey years of nothingness, in my heart and mind... it was like after Danny's death I simply could not function as i had up to that point... and the worst part was i knew something was wrong, things were in fact different... but I couldn't explain it... i couldn't fully get a grip on everything or anything at all to explain what was happening... i couldn't understand, so how could i make anyone else understand... and in that time, I unknowingly forgot the excitement and purpose behind being loving and being loved... behind being ALIVE... and with that i couldn't give or recieve something as simple as a hug, without feeling anger and confusion... and I didn't understand why or how... when I never imagined I would react or "become" in such fashion... I thought I was strong... she too thinks she is strong... you go from being full of pride and eagerness to confront the world... feeling as if anything and everything is just a "state of mind"... to what feelis like is sheer blind sided confusion and grief...and that's why she is still so "confused"... and James is a casualty of her confusion and absent mindedness... i think he felt a little better... the smile said so... because as hard as it is, he can do nothing for her, as Jorge could do nothing for me... excpet wait and wait... and that I know now, is too much to ask of anyone... especially when the waiting can turn into years...but he can't flip the switch for her... no one can, no one can for me... it just happened... i don't know if it was an over night relaization for me... or more like a "couple of" over night realizations... and I still feel a few lingering, waiting to turn on: light bulbs... but at least now I am clear enough to know that I had unintentionally ceased to live... and unknowingly that in itself had been a choice... a choice I didn't fully understand I had... and she will too come aound in her own time... in her own moment... and she will miss him... and realize more than one entity has died... and he knows that, but he has lost trust in her feelings and may never go back... for a lack of not being able to understand her from the start... and how could he? when she doesn't really understand what's going on either? and he may never understand... not until such a moment comes around for him... but he has a little bit of comfort that it was not "him"... the cliche holds so very true... it's not you honey, it's me...
really...
|
| BIO | newest | previous | next | older | rings |
| guestbook | note |
| profile | cast | design | host |
| my survey |
| i love LTJ |
| pictures |