2002-10-02 : 3:19 p.m.
good God help...

Listening to: The Cure… Bloodflowers

“Nothing I am/ Nothing I dream- is real.

Nothing I think/ or believe in or say/ Nothing is true.

Use to be so easy, I never even tried/ Yeah, use to be so easy…

It’s the last day of summer/ Never felt so cold.

It’s the last day of summer/ Never felt so old.

All that I have, All that I hold, All that is wrong/

All that I feel for or trust in or love/ All that is gone.” --The Cure

Well, kids this is going to be a long freaken rant… I have some shit to let loose… and I strongly advise skipping this entry… as it’s not going to be pretty.

I’m going to start by putting in a portion of another diary entry I had made in my written journal… and let that start the purging.

Written: 9-20-02 4:04 p.m.

---- Well, he just sent me a hurtful and scornful email. Congrats Shawn you have “Asshole” points under your belt. And I officially got to add another whopping 100 idiot points for myself!!! My faith in him and all the stupid shit he told me--- gone.

Nonetheless, I blame myself. I mean let’s see… why did I get involved to begin with? This boy had just (in less than a month) broken up with the longest relationship he has ever had. (Quality to be debated later…) And his diary entries up to that point were filled with screams for her return and rants on how “lonely” he felt. And of course, I didn’t want the “possibilities” of us to suffer as a result of the things that had gone wrong with my previous flop: Jorge. I didn’t think that would be fair… for Shawn to not have the chance to be right or “prove it” as he would say… because of things he did not do. My mother even gave me a lecture as to how that wouldn’t be fair. And yet look….

I can only be absolute now that I trust no one. That was Mr. Cahill’s final gift to me.

I don’t understand what the “life lesson” is here. I don’t get it. How do I stay open and acknowledge each individual that comes into my life as that… an individual, not responsible for other people’s mistakes or greed? And at the same time be mindful and NOT be duped by boys like Shawn.

I mean, what a fluke! I find it so hard calling what we had a relationship… and that is another reason why the general public also feels I have been dubbed the “rebound” shit… because 3 months folks is not a relationship! No disrespect to anyone and their own theories… but when you love someone, and you honestly want to be loved by this person… beyond the scope of infatuation… it goes well beyond three months… I haven’t had anything so short be called a “relationship since like my freshman year……….. in HIGH SCHOOL… Jesus Christ… I may have dated boys here and there for short periods of times… but we just dated… and we both would go into the scenario that we were just dating, having fun, whatever… but a “Relationship”… that’s a whole other ball game kids…

If for whatever reason it ends- usually abruptly and in a short time--- kids that’s called infatuation… and I’m always so so so so so so very careful to not fall into that trap… that whole “ooops sorry… didn’t mean to get involved just yet… Oooooops!” because that kind of shit just fucks at the core of someone’s self esteem…

And sure if it’s your first time as a perpetrator… well, I can agree that you may have not recognized it when you were in it. It can confuse you—so I don’t always blame people for being deceived by it…… the very first time… but when your 28… and well passed puberty… and a zillion of these short term “relationships” under your belt…. Hmmm….

But to keep selling yourself as… “oh, but I did love you, I know the feeling were there…“ yada yada… oh come on!! You’re shitting me right? Who are you really trying to save here?

I dated this boy, many many years ago… that fucked with my head really really bad… And yet I have no regrets about what happened- because I learned so much… about what I wanted, how to go about getting it, and how NEVER to treat someone… so yeah, no regrets…

But Shawn? Not only did he just latch on to me- because of sheer loneliness, but he did it at one of the worst possible points in my life… a vulnerable and depressive state… that he was very very aware of, because I made it crystal clear of the fears I had… he new… and I was so guarded going in… and he kept on and on… and I couldn’t help but to dwell and believe in what I thought was so sincere. How could I not give this new light in my life the individual chance to glow?

I really do try hard to be free of regrets… they weigh the soul down… but part of me can’t help but to think: I regret ever getting to know him… I wish I had never gone out to meet him that first fateful night… I wish it even more… because he wouldn’t care to change this thought of mine or prove me wrong… and that says it all.---

Well, now to the present… Oct. 2, 2002. I call him yesterday… after I said I wouldn’t… why? Because I knew he wouldn’t call… as he has already done four times or so… he says he will call and doesn’t… just like he did last night… again.

And you know what keeps replaying in my head? Over and over… to the point four fucking sleeping pills last night could not make it stop? O the phone he says: he wanted to see me, “to be a friend…” let me say what I didn’t say last night: WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAATTTT are you FUCKING talking about????

A friend? As defined by the American Heritage Dictionary: as someone whom 1) A person whom he knows, likes, and TRUSTS. 2) A person with whom one is allied in a cause or struggle; comrade. 3) One who supports, sympathizes with… yada, yada…

What? And at the same time, in or around the same time… you have the nerve to feed me shit like: don’t you think I miss you? Love you? How am I not to feel confused…. What the fuck are your intentions with me?

And worst of all… at the beginning… much of the stress was being cause by your piece of shit job…. Yet, I received the lecture of: I need this to survive, to get my head shots, to save up to do the things I want to do… yada again yada… and I agreed… Of course!! As you should! You are absolutely right Shawn! Those notions are correct! But then at dinner you mention… casually out of your ass that you haven’t saved for shit… yeah that was the point I had stopped eating… because I wanted to take the damn chicken bone that was in front of me and save you any more trouble and just stab myself with it to death…

You sacrificed me for this? WHHHAT!????!!! No please…. Because I want to so desperately believe that you love me like you claim you do… you "think", you dumped me for what again???????? To drink and fuck some other pussy??? Excuse me… oh I’m sorry was the latter incorrect? My apologies, I just keep getting confused on the reasons as to why you bailed??? Since you insist I WAS NOT A REBOUND… yet I and your friends are seeing the same shit here… so really you dumped me because??????????? Do you not understand why I don’t know which way is up anymore? I mean really….???

Especially when you tell me you love me and yet you simultaneously make inferences that you don’t care if you lose me forever? Assuming there is a grain of truth to what you claim you feel towards me… assuming… does that mean you at least hope that at some point we may be able to find our way back to something? Some day? At all? No? Yes? This did start out as a “I need to take some time…” routine. So stupid me, believing that your feelings were honest… and once again that you were being honest… or are? I believed that you were needing time to regroup… really take the time to get yourself situated and make some money…. But obviously that is not true… so what is? What is? Why did you lie? Why did I believe? Are you just stringing me along? For what? Until you are settled into some new Tuna?????? I thought you were keeping in contact and telling me the things you were… because you honestly loved me and needed time to take care of yourself, so you could give us the chance… the same chance I gave you… at some point. How naive am I?



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