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2002-10-07 : 11:32 a.m.
a possibly- maybe scenario
Listening to: Modest Mouse, The Moon & Antartica
"...Baby, come angels fly around you/ Reminding me we use to be/ Three and not two... -Well the universe is shaped exactly like the earth/ If you go straight long enough/ You'll end up where you were... -Everything that keeps it together/ Is falling apart/ I've got the only thing I consider my art/ Of fucking people over..." --Modest Mouse Being that I have a difficult time getting my hands on a computer most weekends... we will back track a bit to some written material... Written: Oct. 6, 2002 2:32 a.m. I don't know what it is I am doing with Shawn. Maybe, just maybe, I am a crazed- psychotic- possesive- obssesive- selfish reject. Hmmmm... for arguments sake... just maybe... Or maybe I should just completely and entirely give up and give in to the doubt and pessimism- that he obviously has. Hmmm.... Today he called me to share his new revelation. He explained how he had attached himself to K' (the previous reigning queen), and then I, out of need... only to then proceed with- but he know's he loves me, and furthermore, I am not a rebound... Que??? Yeah I know, quite contradicting... because in essence, I filled in a gap that she had been filling... and even more compelling, I was never loved or "fallen in love with" by my own merits- so to speak... which yes, yes, yes I agree, that too leads me to the same perplexing paradox of a question: How is it that he "loves" me? Once again... care for me- without a doubt... he is fundamentally a caring, loyal, wonderful man... but... hmmm... He also feels that he gave it (us, apparently) his all... ahem... excuse me... and I don't disagree that he had every intention to want it or "will" it to work at some level, but he seems to forget how the latter of our month and half of "dating" played out... You see, his body was there to spend as much time as possible with me... but he was exhausted every single time he stepped into my apartment... and I mean, physically destroyed... he was always ready to just collapse- and to no fault of his own really... And at the time- just having him there in "body" was enough- because my own mind was too busy scrambling and stressing, trying to find a way to keep myself in this city I had just moved to. Worst of all, I had no idea and I don't think he did either at the moment- the huge toll this shit job was taking on him... I knew it would be time consuming- but I never imagined it would be used to bump me out... I just figureed like Kyona said... it would be a test... and we would be able to ride the time constraints out and cherish the little bit we had- because ultimately we loved each other- right? Hmmmm.... But hell, there is always going to be something- always- couples face it all the time... careers and their demands always will be part of the equation... And it can work, when you choose to not lose sight of whom and more importantly WHY you love them... And I can't help but to think, almost pray- that if he really did or... does love me... that he would not have made the choice that we were not important enough... when we are. To me. And now to the present moment... well, he actually came by yesterday... and spent time with me... I'm not completely sure if he did out of guilt or what... but it turned out to be such a nice night... for me... that i think i will choose to be ignorant on that issue for just once and not care...P> I have to find a way to let him go, to let him be free with someone else. But I can't help to think, that shit about loving someone enough to let them go, is such bull...
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