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2002-10-21 : 11:57 a.m.
friends as my back bone
Listening to: Modest Mouse
"... It all will fall/ fall right into place..."-M.Mouse I just finished reading Shawn's new little entry... and funny enough I felt a twinge of envy and annoyance... which kinda caught me off guard... because, even though he has been a bit of an ass with me, I do want him to be happy... so I had to really think about where and why this feeling of envy was coming from... And it hit me, I don't think he is the least thankful for me... at least, he has never shown it...(as I am sure you have read in the preceeding entries)... and that hurt... not to tears or anything, but weighed heavily nonetheless... and of course... my mind began to roll with the sarcasm and negative 'defensive' punches... like: "yeah well, if I had to show up, 'cause it's work, and get paid... i would find it really easy too to be with you too..." Ouch! I know... below the belt! And I don't mean it, really, not in that context anyway... I'm just wounded... severely. And it's something abrasive he would probably say to me... in a moment of depression. But then I got to thinking how this was what Jorge must have felt. And it would take pages and pages to describe with the detail the story deserves... of how he was there for me for three years... Danny's death, school, falling out with my father, depression, my leg being burnt. So much, so much more. And I didn't take the time to thank him, until two years later... I mean really thanked him. I'll never forget the look on his face and the silence that came over the room, when I did. It wasn't until that moment that I had realized, how much it really really had weighed on him.. and how much he needed to hear it... even after all that time. It wasn't that I wasn't thankful... or never reciprocated for that matter... I just had never said anything... ever. He then went on to say, "You don't know how good it feels to know... to really know." Uuugghh, i'm crying. I swore I would never do that again... not thank someone. Ultimately, he did it all because he loved me and because it made him feel good to be there for me... reasons that we all should honor for making the choice to be giving individuals... without a second thought. But to be thanked... really thanked. It's like having God confirm... that you have been heard. And right now... like I always do in the back of mind... I picture a cartoon looking George Carlon, as God... saying... "Pay back is a bitch... ain't it?" Swell. Really swell. But I have to say, reading mustangusmc note... and it made me smile... he has a way of writing things with such resolve. Duly noted! Thank you for your heart felt concern. :) I had quite the added "bitch at Alex" weekend to boot... my little brother rounded out the weekend with the funniest of them all... he goes about soothing your soul, in a completely... reverse psychology kind of mode: "Yeah... you sound so much better..." Mind you, I'm talking to him in my recently acquired... wimpering/I'm so sick of this shit, voice. "Really, you sound great... your finally getting around to doing some things you wanted to do... you're following your heart." (Again, I haven't really given him much info, that should make him go on in such a manner.) But at least, i'm starting to feel a bit pumped up with his reverse/psych coaching technique. Anyway... so yeah... this actually has gotten me to miss Jorge a bit. I can only hope, he was not a "one of a kind" gentleman... and chance and adventure will grant me a second chance. The boy, never left me out of anything. He always wanted to share everything with me... even the moments with his friends, happy or sad. It was a give and take, like nothing I had ever felt before... but always knew I wanted... and of course for some time, didn't know I had. hmmm... but isn't that the way it always works? Eeeeehhhh... I just feel like, if maybe I just figure out why I am reacting this way... I can finally get mad, and with absolute faith... in the notion that things do always eventually work out... and let go.. I really don't want to care that he doesn't think of me inhis "happier" or finer moments... I don't want to... I was able to walk away from Jorge... and move on... and this one has me by the balls... WHY??? Why does my heart dwell, linger, and insist so vehemently for someone who is blatantly not feeling the same depth for me? hmm? Why? And there is one more thing that keeps coming up in the back of my mind... a conversation I had with Shari... a bit back over him... She said, "...even if you guys get back to gether-- i mean, if that makes you happy, fine... i want what's gonna make you happy... but, how do you know he's not gonna.... well, not be there again?" "You mean, bail?" i said. "yeah... how do you know he's not going to do that to you again? I mean, bad things are gonna happen, you know?" "Yeah I know. And that's very legit. Very legit... and I really just don't know." And I don't. The only thing I know... is the bad feeling i get, when I try to completely remove myself from him. And again, i don't know why. Why I care, that he just doesn't, in the same way...
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