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2003-04-01 : 9:51 p.m.
It's all for the grand prize...
Wow...wow... wow...
I can't really emphasize how wonderful, gracious, and caring some of the emails that I have received, have been. All regarding the absolute heartache I have been feeling, as to Fletcher's physical absence in my life. Thanks everyone... really... But today I got one, that was profoundly heartfelt, sincere, and obviously concerned. And I was told, I didn't have to respond or excuse my behavior, in regards to what was addressed in this person's email. But the fact is, they are good points. However, this diary... is not my main diary... ( I keep a written journal see...) and even then, these pages can not physically contain every written detail of my feelings, life, events, dialogue, etcetera... And so... people will invariably add on their own, in order to fill in the blanks. Although, funny enough... this particular reader, whose email I have in mind...(having just read it), doesn't necessarily fall into that class. But... the responses and concerns, have been arriving via email, fairly frequent. And with that last email, I just wanted to clear up some stuff... only because as much as I appreciate the concern... I don't want anyone to be concerned for the wrong reasons. And for those of you who are complete wise- cracks... Please refrain from laughing..as per the statement I am about to make. I AM NOT DEPRESSED. Nor am I in denial of this depression. Have I ever been clinically depressed... well..err... if you constitute "clinically" as in, someone with a degree, tapped the top of my head, with their glittery wand, proclaiming me "Depressed Princess", then yes... been there, done that. And it sure as hell wasn't this. Okay... you can chuckle...but just a bit!! However that is not to depreciate the value of my sadness... not in the slightest. Yes, I am sad... so very sad. And there are times that it all hits me a little harder than others... and I cry. But ironically enough... I have never been happier. See this isn't the kind of sadness, whereby I can't get up in the mornings... can't function- sort of scenario. (Errr... Nope... Doing just fine. Daily routines are-ah comin' and rollin along just smoothly.) It's the kind of sadness that comes with 'missing someone' terribly... and add to that... missing someone and the 'something' you have... that you simply have never imagined or experienced before. It's hard for me to explain sometimes, because I have personally never been over come in this manner. I have NEVER sacrificed myself, or my ambitions... for anyone. And even then, this isn't a sacrifice. Because I have never experienced this level of satisfaction, future, and inner wealth with someone. I have never experienced such a connection. So the fact that my life has changed; the fact that it has been 'affected' in the most divine of manner; has appropriately affected my 'priorities'... "what I want"- if you will. That much is undeniably true. Because what I want... involves nothing less than this man's input, opinion, acknowledgement... presence... amongst it all. And for that... and the situation we are in at the moment... precludes that we have to make sacrifices... make compromises... in order to take a bite out of the eventual, grand prize. And yes... I will not lie and tell you... that I've put things... many things... Again, completely against, my normal, a-typical, loud mouthed, opinionated, impassioned, independent.... personality. But see... he's giving up so, so, so, so, very much more. Yes, he may say he wants to live here... and has always fancied the idea... But he is leaving it all behind... ALL of it. And all I have to do is just sit in my apartment... and wait. The change is not as drastic. Agree? And as much as he may want it... and claim to be sick of this or that, where he's at... We have all still, had those melancholy moments... of reminiscing and missing what rightfully made us who we are. The point is, I am fairly helpless... in regards to helping Fletcher come here... The only thing that is in my control, is "how" things will be when he does arrive. And one can easily assume... totally changing countries...is ey... just a weee bit trickier than traveling to another state. For one... employment. Uhhhh... ain't gonna happen... quick. And even if... so many adjustments have to be made and met in the mean time... and Fletcher has to have a way to do it... So that's where I come in. So what is it that I am doing? Saving my pennies... I've decided not to go back to taking my acting classes for the time being. Saving me quite a bit of money. I've decided to negate on certain excursions planned. (Traveling and seeing friends in other states. (Ohio, Georgia... and cross trip ventures across the state of Florida.) Including, going home. -Which admittedly, is proving to be the hardest for me. Cuz, I miss my dog, my mom sorta needs me, and my god son is walking, talking, (making me devastatingly sad)... and I miss my friends.) I've also decided to just cut on the spending... i.e. stupid stuff that can wait... like a new couch, paints for my canvases, digital cam, fabrics (I'm re-upholstering an old retro-wooden lounge chair, yeah... I'm kinda crafty like that)... and just a ton of other stuff... all on a list... Oh yeah... And... which is the only thing that has some friends upset... I'm not getting my new headshots. Thus, disabling me from auditioning for quite some time... (Note: which is fine, if only because, I'm trying to stay as flexible as possible, in order to work extra hours as often as I can.) Now this doesn't mean... that I'm completely holding back on "living" per se. It's just that, at the moment... that's about all I can do... to contribute to what I want most of all. And that doesn't mean, that I am dissuaded from ever wanting those things at all... I will have it... All that. However... With him. And it just can't happen any other way. Because it no longer means what it once did. He has colored my eye sight... and given me options in a fashion, and with a sense of satisfaction that can only come, with the connection I've made with him. See... This Bonnie... wants her Clyde. Anything else, is not an option. Because it will NOT, not work out... and not manifest, because we didn't try. And in this, I will not waver. Because the regret... of not trying... not knowing... will surely give me that quoted: Depression. Nevertheless, once again... I am not lying in some fetal position... trapped in the corner of my room... with no where to go... nothing to do... and wanting to just die... errrr... no. It is true however, I'm so in love with the boy, I can't see straight most of the time... but he hasn't invoked any sort of mental disease over me. (Tsk! Tsk! Put the Porn extra-hotness series-of me, voodoo doll down Fletcher! I told you they'd figure it out! Tsk! Tsk! And your hands shouldn't be touching that area without my permission anyway! Hmpf! *wink* Love you honey...) But yeah... it's okay really. But like I've already said... hard to explain. Because this new discovery has me in the most ridiculous of giggles... the kind of happiness, that would readily annoy any scrooge... but... BUT... You have to remember the circumstances under which we are in... WE ARE THOUSANDS OF MILES AND ONE HELL OF A SWIM... AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! And the fact remains, neither one of us... have been short of struggling for our (monetary) survival as it is... For christs sake... I'm the living stereotype of a starving artist, in NEW YORK!!! I've even had to cut down my drinking money to absurdly low amounts... just to be able to save. So as you can see, finding the money to see each other, over such a vast distance... is fairly painful, and ridiculously difficult- in regards to money. And if it were not for my tax return... I probably would not have been able to buy the ticket for another two or three months, if at all... and that's not to mention...ummm... I haven't gotten my passport yet...urrrr....ummm... yeah...I'll let you know when the piggy bank has solved that problem... Righty! F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!! egh! So yes.... my emotions are on a bit of a roller coaster... and I am, unmistakably over come with emotions... that leave me so very sad and distraught... Because he's not there... I can't just cup my hand over his, as he strokes my face, and smell and feel his skin. That breaks me... completely. But as I said, if only because the other extreme is equally true. I have found the love of my life.
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