2002-11-25 : 2:21 p.m.
proposal

Listening to: Dave Mathews (Crash)

(Written journal entry: 11-24-02 11:14 p.m.)

��Now let�s make this an evening/ Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight/ Stay here with me, love, tonight/ Just for an evening/ When we make our passion pictures/ You and me twist up/ Secret creatures/ And we�ll stay here/ Tomorrow go back to being friends�� --Dave Mathews

In our acting class, our instructor is having us do a series of theatre exercises, (based on Uta Hagen�s principles).

After she allows you to �pass� the exercise, you graduate to another exercise (with added obstacles and increased difficulty.)

And the exercises are all in fact very, very simple� which masks their opportunity to be very difficult. And add to that� you are alone for each one� yup, just you� to carry an entire story, from beginning to end.
Not a monologue, not a stand up routine� not a pantomime�

A scene.

With a beginning, middle, and an end. Both, an entrance and an exit into your world� and all props� a set, the lights, the stage�and you have to carry it and incorporate it all�

Oh and did I mention all the material (script) has to be original? Christ!

The instructor wants the exercises to yield her and us, two specific objectives�

1) For her to get to know us on a personal level, as well as our particular performance strength and weaknesses� (basically, the woman wants to get to know us well enough� so when we get around to performing actual scenes� she�ll know if we�re bull shitting her, or not�)

2) That we begin the process of �catharsis�, so we can then learn to use our �life� experiences as a tool on the stage and eventually incorporate into future character developments.

Anywho! So today I had to do my �phone call� exercise. Which had to include all the elements I stated, and you guessed it� a telephone conversation. (And all original material, remember�) Although, we are allowed to fictionalize anything (and everything if need be) to make it compelling for ourselves and the audience (of course).

And so my moment had arrived�The stage, the lights, my world� was ready to go�

*********************************

I�m in my room, the coffee in my hands is already a bit cold�

And once again I am plagued with thoughts, memories, and indecision� rolled and packed tighter than a sushi california roll�

Yes�

I�ll call Jennifer (F.). She�ll understand� she can tell me what to do�

( ** denotes a pause� representing Jen�s part of the conversation or lengthened pause.)

�� Jen? Hey, what�s up ? ** How�s the baby? ** Wow� yeah? Great� great� ** Oh no! I�m fine� I�m fine� ** I sound that bad? ** Oh, Jen�** I saw Jorge today� and yeah, we had a nice night� I guess� ** He�s in town from school� and really wanted to see me� So I said yes�** Nothing really out of the ordinary� just dinner� mixed a bit, with awkward conversation� ** You know it�s hard for me to just talk to him, Jen� I know he still has very deep feelings for me� I can just tell�** The way he looks at me� the things he says� how he says it� the look� I can never mistake that look, y�know� never� it�s so honest really�** It breaks my heart� every single time� I just feel like such a witch� After everything he did for me� the only thing I could give to a boy, that has it all� was a �dumped� farewell, before he headed off to Harvard�** Don�t tell me not to feel bad� Jen! Come on! I�m such an asshole! I want to love him the way I did, before I died with Danny� I want it back� Fuck me! ** Jen� Jen� ** Listen to me� ** Jen�**
He asked me to marry him�**,**,** It�s not what you think�** (I start to cry.)** Jen� his visa expires after graduation� he has no other way� and you know he can�t go back to Venezuela� He can�t�** There�s nothing for him there� and he is so bright� and deserves the chance to realize everything he�s ever wanted� ** He deserves the freedom he has here� and he needs to do this with someone he trusts�**
No, Jen� I don�t want his money�** No! I don�t fucking want it! I don�t want his help anymore! I�m tired of feeling like I can never repay him�** I just can�t take anything else from him� he�s all ready done to much� wasted his life� years of it on me� and got nothing back..** Oh Jen, well it fucking feels that way�** This is the one thing I can do for him� ** Yes, it would be a minimum of 3 to 4 years� before any kind of divorce could happen without suspicion. ** How? Well, we were in the car� and he began by explaining first� before actually asking y�know? **
And it killed me Jen� it fucking killed me� I mean, all the years we were together, I knew that boy had thoughts of me with him� for life. Hell, I�ve always felt like� I left him� just in the nick of time� It wouldn�t surprise me, if I ever found out that there had been a ring somewhere� just waiting for the right �moment� to come up� But this? ** I would have never imagined it� I cried� I started crying like such an asshole� and he flipped out of course� he was all confused�. he had convinced himself by that time� that I just didn�t care anymore�** Yeah, well� I think he really believed at that moment� that I didn't care or love him, but it had nothing to do with it at the time, it was just my state of mind and being� I was just dead Jen� I was dead to everything then�**
And if I ever� once� played the stupid routine, of imagining a boy proposing� it was him� And instead of the perfect scenario� I got� �so can you help me?� ** Can I help you? Fuck me! ** Oh Jen� you know I�ve always joked about the whole marriage shit� I don�t think I�m built for it� I wouldn�t be good for anyone for very long� But if I ever hoped or imagined like the little 6 year old girl, watching Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth, in that white dress� I felt so stupid� My first and probably only proposal� and I get a: Can you help me? And him! Of all people! ** No� no� I�m not being stupid�**,**,**
I said yes Jen� I said yes�** That�s just it� I can�t say NO� I need to find a way to just put all these feelings aside� and just do it. ** For the sole reason he has never asked for anything� ever� he has never needed anything from me� And for once he needs me� And I owe him my sanity� my regret� and to feel like I can finally lift that off my shoulders� is worth more than a few years of my life�** So I said yes Jen�** Look I�ve got to go� but I�ll call you back in a bit� okay? ** I love you too�**�

*******************************

Soon after� on February 11, 2002� we went to the courthouse, to apply for the marriage license.

I�ll never forget the look on the clerks face when we approached her desk� she was smiling from ear to ear�

She said we looked �absolutely beautiful� together.

I cried the whole drive home that day�.

Jorge just didn�t know what to say� so he just held my hand the whole time� up to the last second� when we were at my doorstep and all he could do was give me a kiss on my forehead...

The marriage license expired on April 19th 2002�

A top ten, as one of the saddest days of my life�

Not because I couldn�t go through with it� but for the sole reason, it didn�t happen the way it should have�

And it�s now become one more added guilt� for all I cannot do for him�

Catharsis� can be a rough event�

especially when you don't have to fictionalize events...

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* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24