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2003-01-02 : 7:46 p.m.
Reclaiming a way of life...
The following I wrote before the previous years demise� I was at work� and had been feeling a bit of panic in my blood�
(Again thank you for your wonderful assistance and support yet again, Mr. mustangusmc.) In any case� at the moment� I had made the decision to not include it as an entry for any and all to read� But outside of just feeling a bit scared and confused� I had no real reason to not want to write and share the following. I had broken one of my personal and sacred rules� Fear is never an option. Ever. Nevertheless� just two days later� I already feel better about the decision I have made� And having this entry in plain site� will prove to be an excellent reminder. As for the first time in my life� Instead of simply focusing on the blank canvas that awaits me� eagerly to be painted� I will choose to search for the colors that gave me strength� and not settle till I find them� and live the life that always innately gave me satisfaction� I choose- in spite of fear, nerves, regret, apathy, and a jaded smile� that I want to be in love someday� soon� Hands down. I want to love. ********************************************************* Written, Date: 12-31-02 4:15 p.m. Listening to: Echo and the Bunnymen �I refuse to need your approval� because I�ve already played the game�� E & the B What a year� christ what a year� I have changed so much in this one year� and I�m sorry to report� I don�t feel I am a better person for it. Looking back (something I�m sure most, if not all do at this time), I am having the most difficult time finding the �golden and mystical� thread through it all. I find myself in a position� at the end of this road� where I feel so tainted and jaded. The idea that I could meet someone new, and judge them by their own convictions and intentions towards me� independent I�ve felt or gone through in the past� is gone. Yesterday for example, I received what at first was the most amusing email� declaring a sort of �internet fidelity� towards me� which brought me to absolute shit and giggles� the idea itself, just seems like an absolute oxymoron� That it was flippin� funny. But then I found myself really bothered about it� (almost out of no where), and it gave me a kind of skeptical feel� that was uncomfortable. Because it�s nothing like I�ve felt before� Absolute distrust� and for no God forsaken reason� And I got so angry with myself� How the hell did I become so jaded, so annoyingly difficult? I�ve always made it a very conscientious choice, to not be this way� for two fundamental reasons� It�s not fair to the person in question� And it�s not fair to me. Because as soon as a judgment call like that, is made� I close all doors� and if anything is ever to blossom, in any direction� it automatically becomes an uphill battle. In which� he will never win. Fuck that� I would like to know who or what did this to me? Who bit me in the ass when I wasn�t looking? Hmmm� I arrived in New York on February 15th, 2002� I moved in with a boy� that I could have honestly told and sworn to you� I trusted more than anyone of my own blood� I would have done anything for him� anything� because wether or not we could be� He would never lie to me. And after I had lost my trust in my father� he was all I had left� And now, I have nothing� I am 26� and anything and everything, I believed to hold true to my heart� a way of life� Nonexistent� and I never imagined I might need a back up plan� Losing Jorge� after losing Danny G. to cancer� has hurt me irrevocably, just the same. The only thing I have left� is that sense of logic that tells me, it is in fact wrong to be this way� It�s a theory that makes absolute sense� but within the scope of your or my existence, cannot be proven. And it really is a strange way for me to be� because I am not bitter, or hold any pity or sorrow for myself� I�ve never been one to wallow� but for the first time in my life� I am really scared� �yes, but that�s common.� You say. Yeah, yeah� I know� sounds like typical shit- I�ve never been afraid of pain or the endless possibilities of being hurt. I�ve always relished being in love� and more importantly, just being able to love. And now it seems, for once that I feel absolutely weak� As if all my insecurities have finally gotten the best of me. At the moment, I keep finding myself talking on the phone with this beautiful boy� and I censor myself� me?!?! What the fuck is that about?!?! I�ve never had a problem saying anything ever� EVER!!! I miss you. And nothing remotely close comes out!!! Fuck if it�s not mutual� fuck it. That�s not the point� I loved being in love� and god knows you can never force anyone to feel the same way� And if well, they happened to� then that�s just icing on the cake!!! But I refuse to ever think� that I could die tomorrow� and I wouldn't die with the peace that comes with knowing, that there wasn�t a person anywhere who knew me� who did not know exactly what I thought or felt for them� This is deathly important to me� And when I think of Danny G� it still is� But somehow the cat has caught my tongue� and gone scurrying off!! Fucking filthy cat!!! Taking what doesn�t belong to him!!! I want to be the young woman� a years ago today� with all the self confidence I carried on� as I walked into that office� gave my one month�s notice� put my car up for sale� and bought my ticket to New York� So my love could reach grander scales� and grow� Not be thieved. Yes� I want to love you� maybe as someday I will die loving Emilio from a distance� I want to love you� maybe as I had loved Jorge without fear� I want to love you� maybe for just the feel and smell of your skin� I want to trust again� Intelligently. I want to love you� Irrevocably.
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