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2002-10-03 : 1:59 p.m.
summing it all up...
Listening to: The Cure, Bloodflowers.
For some truely bizzare reason... after ranting like i did on that last entry... I FEEL DANG GOOD!! Not great... but better than I have in quite a bit... and it's strange because I've been purging for quite some time... but finally this last one made a difference... I re-read it just now... and I have to say... I really know how to sock it... maybe a little too hard sometimes... but I'm a fairly overt emotional person... But just to fill you in a bit... the big bits I hadn't talked about... because well, I know sometimes Shawn sneaks into my diary... and I don't want him to feel like I'm spilling all his beans... even though, this is my diary and well... I don't want to edit myself just because... or else what's the point? But anywhoooo... Shawn is really a wonderful and good man... hell I came up with a hundred reasons as to why I love him... and I could come up with more... the huge, freaken huge problem is that he's stuck in this awful train of thought of: he's shit, everything's shit, life is shit... so on and so forth... and he feeds it constantly, and as a result many things in his life is suffering... and he really doesn't want to understand that.. yeah shitty things do and will alwys happen to good people... but those "bad" events do not define them... and he also doesn't want to understand that he won't feel better until he decides he wants to... he says he "can't find the joy" in the love and affection people give you... and there isn't a psychological book on this planet that won't tell you that you can't help but to repond on a positive level to affection and the awareness that you are wanted... that's what makes us HUMANS, that's why we crave it as humans... all the damn time... no matter in what form it takes... sorry to sound so blatant and tactless... but it's like having to take a shit.. you just gotta do it... it's innate... He... he... i just cracked myself with that rhetoric... Yeah, he called me last night... and it really ended as a sweet conversation.... for me anyway, I can't speak for him... but like I told him last night: you can decide as to whether your gonna accept or deny any of the love that people have for you... BUT YOU CANNOT deny the eistence of it... because that is beyond your scope of control... people will love you regardless of whether you believe it or not... because the truth of it lies in them... And for me, just knowing that... just understanding that concept.. makes me feel good... you just can't help it... and this functions in the same light as any grand emotion... the hate of others enters only if you choose to acknowledge it... it's the same with love... I can understand if he really does not want to be with me... I can learn to deal with that in time... I just don't want him to go on not realizing that like every human on this planet he has the POWER of choice... people do not have to die alone... so to speak.. the love of another person is always there... it may not be every person that you wish you could have... but there is always someone there... and it is sad that people choose to do things like die alone... because they think there is no choice... The gift of chance, fate, pure mathmatics and statistics says you do NOT have to make that choice if you do not really want it. You can choose the latter to recognize the truth of the love others have for you. Love you.
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