2003-02-23 : 3:55 p.m.
"Let's make this last forever...and ever..."
Listening to: Computer is pumping off of Play list... But currently it�s Blink 182's �First Date� track...
�In the car I just can�t wait I�m so overwhelmed with memories of Fletcher... Although, there is one in particular... Right there. In front of me. In every full dimension made available to the naked eye. Finally. And in retrospect, it still makes me chuckle how he refers to our first real evening as our �first date�. And as such... as corny and poppy Blink may be to some... the song is truly appropriate. But in another side step... although, on a related note... Last night... I wondered into my written journal... and began reading all that I had written previous to our physical moments together. And good god, there is so much that never became privy to the pages of diaryland... If none else... for guarded, pathetic reasons... that now in obvious retrospect seem rather silly. Here�s one I wrote just six days prior to that first eloquent kiss of encounters... ***************************************** Written: 2-5-03 9:04 p.m. (Written entry.) I feel like I am in some sort of transition. Yet, nothing looks as if it were actually moving. I don�t think I would like to ever put myself in this position again. Meeting someone, under such �romantic� pretenses. First off, the apprehension is too much- And worse, all of my insecurities seem to be coming to naught... I�m feeling fat, pale, clumsy, gross, disheveled, dumb, confused, spineless... and How this internet �rendevous� manages to function on any level at all... is entirely unknown to me. I am too much of a thinker... See, on any given moment- I can walk straight into a bar, nightclub, party, classroom, a stage... Because the air, the moment, my state of mind- I know what I want and more importantly, I do not waver in the person I �want� to be... I think... *************************************************** The following I wrote last night in response. Written: 2-22-03 3:13 a.m. Written journal entry. Re-reading what I have and understanding the emotions from which it all stems... Such said truth in hindsight. The ugliness... the fear... But with the new memories I hold now... And with every light on. From the candles below, to the bulbs above... Because without explanation... In a way I couldn�t emphasize to him... I felt beautiful, Oh the comfort... That�s what shocked me the most. How any ounce of relentless guard, just fell off me like a robe preceding your shower.... It all just magically, And he and I, would witness... How foreign... I could never have imagined... All this time, my backbone was a passport and an eight hour plane ride away...
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