2003-03-14 : 11:25 p.m.
Growing up, happens when you don't expect it...

Listening to: 311

Drinking: Well, ran out of the rose wine... so I�m on to what�s left of the rum, if only because, it�s about time it�s killed off...

Smoking... one too many Marlboro lights...

Simply, all of which... what happens after I�ve had another wonderful conversation with Fletcher...

And it is at that point that I realize, I have fallen into the same mode of being, prior to having even met him...

He�d or I�d call... I�d have some wine ready to go... cig lit... and I�d be laying in my bed...

Well since I�ve met Fletcher and since his departure...

I haven�t smoked in my room... had a glass of wine in my room...

Had a lay about...

Naked... in my room.

So it went....

And so it was... tonight...

And once again, as per, prior to his arrival... I feel this pang in my chest...

Yeah... you know it... that heavy wait... that forces you to acknowledge and work through every breath... every stride.... every which way your muscles move- individually- as if to pin point and reinforce the physical truth of the pain you feel.

And I realize... yes, I have felt this before haven�t I? Yes... prior to my knowing his sweet sensual smell and the touch of his skin against mine...

Ugh... I realize, I have known this before... but before then...
It was all due to fantasy, right? I mean, I hadn�t really �met� or �knew� Fletcher before, so it wasn�t due to any �reality�-as it were..right?

So why feel this way now...? This exact way? Now that I know him...
yes, know him... in the one way... everyone alike... would denote as the true �test�... of that which was meant �to be�, or the truth if we were in fact a �fit�...ey?

Why do I feel and have fallen into that pattern, same as before...? Why the longing to know... when I know?

Because...

Fletcher... was always in fact Fletcher... wasn�t he?

The �test� we all dubbed...
well, really in fact... wasn�t much of a test was it? Maybe a scientific one, in which to see if the pheromones would meet the challenges of the brain, ey?

But if Fletcher had turned out to be some fascist, liar, manipulator, or asshole- for all intents and purposes...
Well... the facade would have unraveled regardless... and I�d be the sucker nonetheless... regardless...

I mean... if he is the master manipulator... I could or will, fall victim, regardless of: distance, or face to face- initial encounters... because the �quality� of what we say, do, or understand of each other, should and will happen if both are on the same page, no?

And that is when it dawns on me... how really such a sheer technicality this entire �distance� is...

And the idea... that getting to know someone face to face... and how, to society is some be all end all, fail safe, way... is really in and of itself, frivolous and naive...in it�s own right. I mean, sure... it may cut the being the �sucker�- time a bit shorter... and you might figure it out a wee bit sooner and so forth...

But to be harmed... broken... disgraced... is all relative to time, your luck to revelation, or plain smarts (again on your cunning and bright, P.I. detective behalf...)

But... what will be, well, will be.... no?

(si pues... que sera... sera...)

And then... I wonder why I have been having so many �retro-active� thoughts as they were...

Whereby I honestly feel like... I am on some death bed... and all those that have affected me in my past... (in a �serious� manner, I mean... affected me...) Burned me in the way I wish... I really do wish....I had the unequivocal fleshed scar to showcase, as proof...

Fletcher stirs in me so many things... so many...
Wonderful, erotic, passionate, overwhelming, life-altering, moving, heightened feelings...

That I could easily call him... a sort of new and untapped drug for my being...

But upon speaking to him... hearing him...

Feeling him...

Wanting him...

All these feelings, new and foreign to me come about... the kind of feellings... that are further highlighted... for being �forever� and �never ending� in the future that they may project...

I also will have thoughts... the worst ones... of and from my past surface...

But why? As they never have before...(but then again... these positive feelings and notions towards him... are also completely new to me, so why should anything surprise me!)

Well... I think it finally hit me...

I�m raw.

And yes... it sounds very... �well...duh... of course you are honey...you�re in love, aren�t you?�

Umm...yeah... but at the same time, ummm no....

I mean... I haven�t felt so much fear and equal bliss, in one shot...

Normally... I�m happy and just perfectly fine... appreciating the one... here and now... for all it�s worth...

But I�ve never felt �need� before...

And as that term is being mentioned.... I can honestly tell you it�s not that atrocious unhealthy kind...

The kind where by... I judge myself and my aspirations as per what he thinks or feels about me...

No...

I mean... I need him, in that...

Nothing...

Nothing... seems to be worth it... if I can�t share it with him...

And nothing... seems important or complete.... without his input...

Things...

As they stand... as they are...

Are just not complete...

Hell... I actually look forward to my first good solid disagreement with the man... if only because, I want to know everything...EVERYTHING...
how he might huff and puff... how his own stubbornness- however dormant- may manifest... how his tendencies and tactics work... is it �flight� or �fight�...

Will he just be fed up and shut me up... with kisses... and force the argument to move with frictioned form... as opposed to continuing with words...

See... I want to know it all... and see no end after the fact...

I have no fear that he will not fight for me and us... And so for once, such said fears aren�t really fears... infact just facets of life... And simpy enough.. A minor part of so much I want to �live� and experience with him.

And so I am forced to face where and why this deep seeded malicious sabotage, of images and thoughts of my past, are derived from?

And I am forced to think back...

Far back...

For once... I really am pushed to acknowledge the past...

The moments of: complete loss of control...
In order to affirm the part of me... that makes me... that tells me, more... than I am able to even transcribe...

That gives way, in waves of possessive or jealous routines... that I don't like over much, nor have ever experienced to such levels before...and want to rid.

For once... I cannot forget the past... but instead, really have to find a way to delve into it... and bring it back... into this future.

So that I can acknowledge it and recognize it... for all that Fletcher isn�t and does not bring into being, for me:

Bad timing, bad luck, bad taste, and naivety...

See...

For the first time in my life...

I don�t fell like a little girl anymore.

I feel sensual... bright... and grown... for all the right reasons.

I have found my future.

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* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24