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2002-07-15 : 6:02 p.m.
confessional
Well here I am sitting at yet another shitty job. All I do is answer phones... and it's so mind depressing. It amazes me that some of the ladies here have been at this for years... and I mean years... don't they want anything more? What's even more intersting is that every time I start one of these gig's, I always get that same first question... "no really, what do you want to do? It's not this right?"... and here's the pathetic part... I never really say yes or no... I always find myself repeating the same damn thing... " I don't know what exactly I'm doing actually." Then I get the just as confused: "uhhhhh... okay?..."
What the hell am I doing? It's like all I keep doing is finding more shit work- all so i can maintain some kind of shelter, food, and really nothing else. I don't even have money for more head shots right now... and I won't for God knows how much longer... so what's the beef with that?And if I don't find a way to stay permanently where I am living right now... I don't know what on earth I'm gonna do... What's gonna happen when my deferment is over and the loan payments start all over again? UUuugggh.... My God, so much has happened in such a short time... Today marks five months whereby I have "officially" moved to NY... and it feels like it's been years of turmoil, change, and emotional whirl winds... In five months I have managed to finally reach a solid closure with one of my ex's of many years ago(and excrutiatingly wonderful friend)...crazy!? yeah, no doubt... then I managed to move in and rekindle- "whatever that was" with another ex... oh yeah, almost married the bitch... crazy!? double on the "no doubt" palease!then I moved in (out of desperation) with one of my least important aquaintances, (I was actually her R.A. in college and knew of all the roommate issues she has...) Nevertheless, like I said... I was desperate... two months later I'm off to another temp apartment... then after a few dreams, a couple "slight" distractions... and "hmmmm's?" at work... and oh, yeah... one perfectly timed invite to kereoke... I kissed the cute irish boy from work... and in one night, I had found an old friend and lover.... and then of course, I'm off to another job (less money...), did I mention I had to move yet again? oh yeah, I did... I may in all liklihood have to move out in another month... yet again! And with what money? None, because with all this nonesense I haven't been able to save up a bitch of a penny- all this and adding a buch of other random shit from Florida... ex: brother missing (found), dog dying, grandfather dying; (at this point I am...) missing ALL of my friends, I'm in car withdrawl, driving withdrawl, radio withdrawl, god-son withdrawl, beach withdrawl, "real" food withdrawl, night life withdrawl, painting withdrawl... and interestingly enough... if I moved back at this very moment (back home to Miami that is)... -With all the hope and potential I see and feel with his eyes...
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