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2002-09-16 : 6:53 p.m.
letting go
I don't know what to do, think, or feel anumore. I don't know what's the proper reponse to anything. All I know is I keep losing touch with what really matters-
I don't know what to do with Shawn. Because don't feel secure on a mere fundamental level... and work... shelter... is now filled. But why couldn't I feel it and revel in it, even if at the moment those things weren't being met? I mean they would have been met at some point, some how... I wish I were more like my old friend Orlando from high school... so intent on focusing on the here and now... and the joys of the moment... and allowing the things that are more mundane to life... just fall into place. He lived by the phrase: everything turns out for the best... have faith. And even crazier, he managed to find solace in this... Why is my faith so stubborn? I realize that with everything that is happening with Shawn... fact of the matter is he does not love me... he can't... he doesn't even treat me at the same level as his co-workers... these "friends" he's known even less time... It makes me feel like he has some disdain or resentment towards me... and I have no clue as to what I have done... which then makes me feel stupid... this is hurt in a fashion I have never felt before. Never. And I can't move beyond this sense of betrayel... with everything happening and so many variables torturing him... I was the easiest "time consumer" to be disposed of? I was the first to go? Who new I was such fucking toxin? how can I not refute my mind when it logically wonders to: What's her name? Part of me dwells in the thought: Why did you ever agree (Alex... that's me) to stick this out from the begining? The flags were there from day one... congrats Kiley now it's personal... you help screw this kid up... who in turn screwed me to get over your screw... screw you... now it's personal. And then the other part of me wonders If I'm not just being jaded and responding impatiently and in haste? I think the thing I am going to miss the most- the most out of everything... was the way he looked at me... it was a gaze that made you want to believe... to believe anything. either that, being the actor that he is, he's a great con-artist... that kind that pass lie detectors and shit... but the truth of the matter, and because that gaze is so convincing... I think he's depressed... to the point it may be clinical... and entirely not his fault. It's like something outside of his control won't let him out... won't let him believe in everything good he is. So what do I do? i wish I could talk to his mother... i don't think she understands or maybe knows the severity of this... and maybe the idea of therapy hasn't enetered her mind... and i wouldn't be so stuck on that idea if I didn't think there were other options... hell we both need it... but his situation is more dire...i've done it... twice... thanks Miss Padro... and I can't help to think that this is the only way I can help. It's a lot of $, and maybe too much effort for someone who's treating me with absolute disdain... But if you could only see what i see... And I've learned time is ireelevant to matters of the heart and soul... and after the way i lost my best friend Danny to Leukemia, I refuse TO NOT FIGHT for anything and everything that pulls at me, or not give my all under any circumstance. Please God, I don't want to say Goodbye to Shawn. You say goodbye to people who have gone into another realm and are living in another dream... not to people a drive away... I miss him so much. But all he does is push me away... and with such a sense of disgust and annoyance with me... it's killing me. Kyona told me that people always do and say things for a reason... always... and very true... And that sometimes out of fear, because they might see themselves as defective, or unable to honor and accept themselves, so they push people away... leave before they can be left, before they are "discovered". I recall Ms. padro telling me the same... I wish I could give Shawn the gift of sight... outside of himself, so he could see and belive what I see of him.
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