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2002-09-25 : 3:55 p.m.
to friend or not to friend?
Listening to: Less Than Jake- Rockview
This song is running through my fucking brain like the plague... thank god it's a great tune... "...so you think of what it could have been... when time is all you lost... it keeps burning through your head... now you fall asleep standing but lie awake in bed... watch the clock drag on and think of what you should have said.... ooooohhhh - oh... i's for the better... you're better half is gone... it's okay, you didn't need her anyway... and I don't want to hear you say, nobody can take her place...oooh-oh... And what more can I say, you don't need her anyway...ooohh-oh... And so you think, that's how it should have been... And it's just her, it keeps going through your head... you're hearing all those words, time and time again... watch the phone all night and think of what you should have said..........." And the Blessed powers that be of Less Than Jake... So I was re-reading this great entry from Jack Off Gia... on the fav entry list fo' sure... and I wonder... why it isn't possible to be friends with an ex... For so long I was intent on believing that I could... that faith, care, and love for someone should be enough to maintain at least the friendship aspect... and for much of my life it had worked... until now... I'm 25... and a theory, or a way of life for me has been completely dismantled. Let's look at the fact that had pushed me to such a definite and sad conlcusion. A) Jorge... three years steady... plus two years of random nonsense... probably one of the best of friends i will ever have... literally wiped my ass if he had too... and now, we cannot, under any circumstances be with or around each other... ironically the love and respect is so fucking great, that the torture that comes in viewing each other with another is inexplicably heinous. B) Danny, my high school sweetheart... the first true love of my life... didn't speak for five years after the break up... and now, for the past two years... once agin, sparks... fun.... but we knew it would have to stop and really force ourselves to salvage the friendship we knew was enticingly dynamic... so for two years... it worked... at least it seemed.. but in fact now I know, that it was only working bcause neither one of us was at all serious with anyone else... then I mention... my new "boyfriend" and Danny goes missing and hasn't returned my calls in three months... so what the fuck? Which brings me to the present... do I actually attempt to salvage or really create, a friendship... with someone who has no intents of being with me... and calls to see "how I'm doing"... (because he feels bad for being a dick, and feels like he has to call... i assume...) I don't even know how all this works... I feel like all I'd be doing is sticking around for him to get to his next fling... just so I can then feel tortured and in all likelihood...stick my fat foot in my mouth and say something like: "You fuck!! I told you I was a rebound... You fuck! AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhh..." and then the donkey-like crying would ensue...
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