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2002-10-11 : 2:49 p.m.
encounters
Listening To: Stabbing Westward, Wither Blister burn & Peel
Aaaahh yes the mood from yesterday still lingers... I just had an odd connection with someone just now, during a quick break from work... the kind of connection set almost entirely by the mood of the situation... much like the first meeting between John Cusak's character & Lisa Bonet's, in High Fidelity... in the record store... I had to make a quick run to Duane Reade (a local drug store here)... and ended up in what we shall call the "feminine aisle", for those of you a bit more squeeeemish... and there's this guy, very thoughtfully trying to pick out a box of tampons... first of all, he was adorable, so he captured my attention immediately... and then the latter set in... uuuhhh I am in the "feminine aisle" aren't I?... so I was. And at some point as we were both standing side by side... looking at the annoying and much un-needed vast assortment of what is essentially... solidified paper with a string.... (again my apologies...) we somehow, in perfect timing glance over to each other... and in a shy mumble and a smirk he says... "eeehhh... uh, for my girlfriend..." i smiled and replied... "I would hope so..." he just kept grinning... He turned, grabbed a box and began to walk away... I couldn't help but to just watch him trod away... before turning the aisle he looked back, looked at me and smiled again... eeeeehhhhh... and what's the first thing I mumble to myself in this poetic trance? "eeehhhh... marry me?" those are the moments that make me want to love a boy... those random, odd moments that can only happen in places like the "feminine aisle"...hmmm... wistful events found only in a compelling Robert Smith lyric... On another note, Shawn called me last night, destroyed, sad... and once again I listened and I tried to comfort him, but to no avail... the show that he's been working on has been givin it's two week notice and will promptly go on hiatus for at least a month... they haven't made enough money to keep the show running, and I guess it needs some down time... I know he must be worried- especially in regards to money, but I can't help but to be happy that the crap he's been enduring through work will be out of his system... for at least a while. Then the kicker happens... he tells me he has bad news... I'm thinking... oh god, what now? And he says: "I'm thinking about calling Kylie.." That's the prior "ex" kids... whom I bared the responsibilty for helping to get over her, and take over her task of filling whatever gaping hole he feels he has had... So yes, inevitably... I feel that first tinge of a heart attack/"rock in your throat" phenomena- He continues... quickly... to explain... that maybe she could provide answers or explanations to why he is "feeling" the way he does... why things are the way they are now... because as he says... " she really knows him..." Well, Ms. Kylie... you got me there... but then again... well anyone who knows Shawn has got that over me... and not by my choice... Then he proceeds to get upset, because with my silence he assumes that I must be quite mad or saddened... at whatever assumption... And it is in that particular moment that I realize the throat and chest sensations have vanquished... instead I feel an eerie numbness fall over my body... and I don't know if I was able to explain it in a way Shawn could understand... Which was in essence... that the hurt couldn't be any deeper than it already was... and that's not to say I wouldn't feel anger towards him, if it were in fact just an excuse for him to return to her or what not... but it would only be a conintuation of the hurt I already feel... the hurt that comes with the fact that I can't be with him or that he feels he cannot find solace with me. That hurt, does not change... it is what it is, already. And any fear, anger, or resentment thay may arise, only appears because the latter still holds true. I love him dearly.
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