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2002-10-31 : 11:25 a.m.
just gettin' some stuff out...
Listening to: Eve 6, horoscope
So much... so much... I'm anxious about so many things... and my skin is breaking out a bit, from the stress. Shitty. Shitty. Let's see... for one, I have to come up with a new scene for sunday's class... and I haven't a clue... In two weeks, the aesthetic work i need done to my teeth, will finally start. Something I've wanted for years... and now that it's finally happening, i'm so nervous. I'm going to "look" so different. My new roommate Adrienne is moving in on saturday... yup, I found me a girl! I haven't really written about my roommate fiasco's, because it hasn't really been on the top of the list... so we'll schmooze about her another day... I just hope she's an A-list candidate... unlike the previous... not that he was bad at all... I was just ready to beat his girl friend up at this point... more later, later. And devallyk, please, please call the girl... she's obviously the very "forward" type... and won't think twice about you getting your hands on her number... if anything, the "ball-sy" and agressive aspect of it... could prove to be a turn on for her... and more of a reason to say yes. So there, you made it onto my worry list for the day... now hopefully someone on my adorable/deserving list will get laid... (*wink*)... he... he... Speaking of nookie... ehhhhh... Shawn... christ, I know this anxiety and trauma is all me... I just know it... And I just don't know what the absolute "right" thing is to do... he says, he wants me in his life... and of course I would love that... but this whole platonic thing is killing me... the whole: feeling like I'm being put to the side...uuggghhh... And if I think about it, yeah, I've been put to the side for some time now... and ironically enough- I've kinda just gotten use to it... but it's always been for "negative" things... so it's almost like it didn't count... But now, it's for all the good things... which is great... I want that for him... but this time it hurts... because I'm not part of that larger, "better" picture... I'm not a cohesive part of the friends he has or the life he wants to lead... and that hurts... too damn much. he had another "good" entry today... he's finally getting a grip on all the things that are good... little by little... and little by little, he'll need me less and less, and that's the torture really... because it's little by little... and oooohhh, the bloody fucking irony of it... because he's on to better things really... I just don't think I'm really part of it. Mmmm... since Danny's death... I don't think the holiday's have ever looked so bleak. The friends I love the most, are just too far... hell, this will be my first "sober" and uneventful, halloween... Thanksgiving and New Year's... out. I'll at least be home for one night... part of christmas eve and christmas day, (I have to fly back ASAP... can't afford to miss too much work). And I can't take any pitty for this shit anyway... (not that I'm very receptive to pitty anyway)... because I did do this... I did it. I moved miles and miles away. I left everyone and everything, my memories, behind. I did it. Just something more to get past, I suppose.
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