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2002-10-30 : 5:16 p.m.
Feeling oh' so fucked
Listening to: Everclear, so much for the after glow
Uuuuughhh, fuck me... I feel like poop... had mother freakin' chicken nuggets...(i was hungry and a bit desperate)... and now I'm paying the price. I'm getting feverish, thirsty, and my face is tomato red... damn MSG! You see, I'm allergic to the shit perservative. Ugh... I just finished re-reading shawnbus most recent entry. I'm a bit proud of him. I'm so glad he's finally realizing how everything connects to the state of mind he is in, and has been in. It's a step forward, in the least. We had dinner the night before last, and once last week... and both were suprisingly sweet, calm, and certainly introspective. I left both nights feeling satisfied and relatively at ease. But I can't help to still worry... about the future and us. So silly really, as I don't think any of it is in my control. See, Shawn is in no place to be in any kind of a relationship... and I whole-heartedly agree... and he keeps telling me, he wants me in his life... and that he loves me... And I believe in his sincerity... But... And how do I put this... I don't know how to be there for him and also separate myself emotionally. "Wait... but, doesn't he say he loves you?" You ask. Yeah I know... but what does that mean? For him, for us... towards what sort of future?... And he can't answer that right now... atleast, that is what I find myself assuming... which is fine... simply because he's coming into a lot right now... a lot. But I can't help to obsess about all the probabilities that can completely tear me down... You see, I'm not an excrutiatingly jealous person, but if and when he really feels he can deal with this cloud and move on... not just to what, but to whom? And I know I won't handle it well... I just know. And what bother's my ego even more, is that Shawn and I barely had the chance to really date... the time was fleeting and scarce... and I feel this way? Why? Fucking hell... why? This lack of control, fucking pisses me off. I honestly just do not know why... and I want that to just go away... I desperatey want to be there for him, but free from the emotions I hold for him... I do not trust the future. I can't say I ever liked Poker all too much... I can only trust myself and the feelings I have... and if... fuck it- when, that happens... Fuck... I just know I'm gonna eat this one so bad...
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