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2002-11-01 : 11:29 a.m.
mattress travels & little ballerina's
Listening to: The Ocean Blue, beneath the rhythm and sound
"...without hesitation...sieze your peace of mind..." --The ocean blue I haven't heard that song since I first moved to New York. It was the theme surrounding my move here. "You just don't know, unless you try" kind of deal. I thought I'd try and re-invoke the feeling that idea gave me. The drive. The need... Yeah, well I seemed to have fallen a bit short. Last night when I got home, I turned on the teli and started watching coverage of this parade being held in the village. uuggh... No good. It just got me thinking and reminiscing... till I just started crying like a bafoon. Pathetic. There I am sitting, with an unfinished yogurt in one hand and the spoon in the other... watching little girl's in their ballerina outfits... and knowing Shawn was there with his friends... and hadn't called... uuugggh... no fucking good... and just to add, he had just previously thwarted my invite for dinner last night... well not really... he never said "yes"... it was more like... "uhh, I'll let you know..." You see, he wanted to keep his plans "open", for something better I suppose. And it didn't help too much, when he emailed me telling me "no", essentially... but it was the part of the email that read... but if you "need me to come" I will.... that hit me... ehh?... "Need"? No, I want you to "want" to be here... I want you to "want" me around... it doesn't mean squat, if you don't want it just as much... It's like when you give a present to someone who means the damn world to you... it "matters" and "means" only as much as; it "matters" or "means" to the person your giving it too... capisce? So, with all this in mind... a bit of annoyance just got thrown into the well of emotions. I just kept thinking about how my friends back home... at that very moment where in the Florida keys attending Fantasy Fest. (A huge halloween event... ah-la Mardi Gras style...) Ahhhh... the drunken stuper fun we would have... always a good puke around the corner... MMmmm... and when I refer to these "friends"... it's the ones that really take care of me... would lay it down on the tracks- so to speak... it's those that I miss... Being alone last night, wasn't really the issue for me... It was feeling like, Shawn had once again segregated me from his friends... Separation of state if you will... And maybe it wouldn't matter, if I didn't actually believe that he was sincere in his affection towards me... but I believe him. I just feel that, even with what he's "going through", you would think he'd want to me around more than not... All these instances just reinforce the feeling... that I'm just there for him to call on occasion when he feels lonely and wants to feel loved... but as soon as he finds what he really wants, I will be discarded. So after I finished the good donkey cry... I decided to just be producitve and start moving my things from one bedroom to the other. (I'm taking my old roommates bigger room, and renting out the smaller one.) And it wasn't too difficult for the most part... and more importantly, it kept my mind busy... until... I got to the point I had to move the bed. This fucking bed is so damn heavy... the last time I tried to move it by myself, I gave it these horrendous pavement burns from dragging and pushing it out from the street, and into the apartment... I had ended up painfully spraining my foot, when the fucker fell on me... no joke. It was like a damn cartoon, being pinned down by the thing. So again, I pushed and pulled, and to no avail... the fucker was too fucking heavy and bulky... And then it dawned on me... Uuugh... ironically enough... I did need him... and then I felt my eyes well up again... and I just got sooooo fucking mad... I mean fuming... the last time I was this irrate, I... uh... let's say... "accidentally" punched someone... (that's another story...) and I just started wailing... "Fuckin' ey!!" The next thing I know, I am pushing that fucker every which way, and knocking down anything in it's way... Yeah, my back hurts like hell now... but I did it... (again.) The bed is in it's proper place and with fairly minimal damage to the surrounding area of travel... My insistent and annoying emotions were finally good for something... although my pained back may beg to differ... Oh well.. I'm in my new room.
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