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2002-11-01 : 3:15 p.m.
GGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Um. Okay.
So I'm bored as hell at work... and of course I'm thinking about him... and then I just get this, uhhh... how do I explain? Wierd feeling? I just get these sometimes... A wierd, retarded.... "feeling". It's like my brain sometimes works on an ultra-wave frequency sometimes. I can never really decifer these random feelings, see. I don't profess to be clairvoyant, or any such thing... but I seem to never heed the warning that lies in them. So I call him. Thinking... well, I'll see how his night went... if he had fun and such... I was actually hoping to hear... a "Me and Matt" bonding story... just so I could feel like... yeah, it was indeed an essential and need, Matt and Shawn night... So I try him at home. No answer. I don't leave a message. I try him on his cell. No answer. Again i don't leave a message. I had to hang up abruptly and pick up a call at work. Afterwords, I try him at home one more time... just in case. Again no answer. At this point I just feel wierd again... and I just hang up. I just think it's strange he's not picking up... but I continue with work. Then my phone rings, it's Shawn. "Can I speak to Alex (blah...blah) please." "This is her." I then recognize his voice. "oh hey!" He responds in a very low, obviously upset manner. "Yeah." "Ummm... hey... are you okay? You sound down." I ask. "Uh... I just got up and I didn't feel like picking up the phone." "uh, okay. Yeah I called twice." "yeah, well..." Definitely getting agitated. "I don't have caller ID on my house phone." "Yeah, I know. It's okay. I called your cell and..." "Yeah well, I didn't look at it. I didn't know it was you. I just didn't want to answer the phones." "okay...okay... I didn't want to bother you..." he then interrupts me: "...No Alex..." The sound of his voice, bothers me. I can tell he's angry, but I don't know why. So I try to change the subject... mistake. "So how was it last night? Did you have fun?" Un-enthused, "Yeah." "uhh... cool... so did you get to see the parade?" I ask. "Yeah, it was pretty crowded. Then we just hit a couple bars later." "Wow cool. So are you doing anything today?" Again, stern response..."No. I'm not going to go ANYWHERE today." "uh okay... Are you sure you're okay?" he hesitates and without emotion says, "No Alex... I'm not okay." "What happened?" "I woke up." "Uh, okay..." I'm feeling that wave of confusion. "I don't want to talk about it." he answers. "okay... okay... well, if you think you want to talk about it later, we can... if you want." "No." "uhh... okay? Shawn are you mad at me?" Silence. I continue, "didn't you have a good time last night?" "uh, the night started out fun, but it didn't end that way." "oh okay. Umm... did Matt have fun last night?" "Why don't you ask him." At this point I'm a bit stunned, as well as confused, because I still feel like I'm the root of whatever's wrong... because well, from the start of the conversation I just had this wierd feeling... I continue: "uh, okay... Shawn are you sure I didn't do something? What did I do?" He hesitates. Silence. Then...he says, "I don't want to talk anymore." "umm... okay???.." I'm so fucking confused. "Shawn are you..." he interrupts, "i don't want to have this conversation anymore." "huh?" Click. He hung up on me. I am so FUCKING confused. At that moment, I could feel the wetness on my face and cheeks... but it was all so numbing... I was just too damn confused... What the hell just happened? So I got up from my desk and went straight to the ladies "nap room", where I could draw the curtain, sit, and try to get a grip. So many things went through my mind. Shit... did i like... call him too much or something? Did I... say something or do something... what? Shit? Did he just read my last entry and now he hates me for it? (oh, did I mention he's back on this thing... I forget.) Why would he be mad?... he knows i'm venting... exploring, thinking... I didn't say anything wrong? FUCK!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!! Will someone tell me what the hell I did?????
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