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2002-11-06 : 8:20 a.m.
6 days till...
Listening to: The Cure, Wish
Man, I feel so wierd today... I mean really wierd.... I'm not at my usual work station today... from 8 to about noon, I'm sitting in at Rhand Thompson. (I worked as a reception- fill in for three months here...) But here's the kicker... I met Shawn here... And worse, we were still together when I was here... Hell, whatever friendship we had, started here... God, how I loved this job.... it's just such a great atmosphere... the people I met here are fantastic... and I've missed them terribly... This is just so fucking wierd... I'm just expecting him to pop his head outside the side window next to the door... with this huge beaming smile, so I can buzz him in... So many things are flooding back... the anticipation and excitment of his arrival... the sweet, simple, emails we would send back and forwath... from his desk to mine... the secrecy... the combat maneuvers... to sneak kisses when no one was looking... we were slick... and so sweet. But he's not coming... is he? Besides the obvious reason that he no longer works here... it really means that... he's not coming at all... ever... anywhere. I find myself trapped in a similar scenario that devallyk is stuck in with Claire. The feelings, when it comes down to it... are not mutual or exclusive. But I can't... I just can't not talk to him anymore... I can't hang up the phone. It doesn't matter if he were to say something like: I want to see other people... or I can't be in a relationship right now... Because they both ultimately mean the same thing... he doesn't "love" me in the way, that makes you want to have someone at your side... someone to share your experiences with. In the way he's spending time with someone else right now... Funny thing is, I don't think he sees it that way... because in all likelihood he hasn't "technically" done anything with her... yet. But it certainly explains to me... why I am excluded from such every day events in his life... and she's not. Or else, how would you explain... me, not being included as a part of everything. El no me Ama... He is not in love with me... He does not love me in that fashion. And the worst part, is feeling so stupid. And for being made to feel like I asked to much of him... when I desperately needed his patience... like he needs right now... from everyone around him. My best friend Jennifer F. gave me the reason behind my feelings... the answer behind... why, I feel this way... You have to understand, this is not like me... to be hung up or torn like this... for someone who was only there for a tiny bit of time... (This is a personal record... for shortest "Relationship" of all time.) And this is how I am. But I never realized some things until she mentioned it. "Alex... do you remember how I was when my mom died? I treated everyone and their mother like shit... and the worst part is that I saw myself being this way... I saw it... and I couldn't stop... I couldn't make myself stop... Don't you remember how you were with Jorge when Danny died?" "I wouldn't let anyone touch me... I wouldn't let him touch me... Fuck, that went on for almost a year, until I finally let him go... Jesus, he took it all..." "Yup... he did." I continued: "And I couldn't stop what was happening... I din't know how... I knew it was happening... how I was being and I didn't know how to stop." "And neither does he. And unfortunately, you came at the worst time. And by pure chance... you have become his 'rebound' to life, not just his ex..." "God that's worse..." It's all making sense to me. She's right. "But how did Jorge do it? How did he put up with it? I don't think I can do it... he's not even showing any real interest in having me as a cohesive part of his life... I mean I was such a bitch with Jorge.... fuck me... I was... But, Shawn won't even have me as a part of his life... I mean, he's not doing simple little things, like asking me to go with him, out with his friends to do whatever... nothing. If I do see him... it's like we have dinner somewhere and that's it... No... let's go out for a beer... no, being with him when he get's something pierced or he does anything at all involving other people as well... It just seems odd." "Alex, Jorge stayed because he knew you loved him... he knew it... as shitty as you were feeling and reacting to the world... he still knew it, because he was still a part of your life... if he's keeping you separate from little things like that... then I don't know... I don't know..." "Then something's up." "Well, there's definitley more to the story. And that may be sufficient reason to let it be... and let go for good. Because it should be obvious he's hurting... but keeping you separate?... that's just too wierd..." "So why can't I just hang it all up...?" "Because since Danny died you haven't opened yourself up to any one new... you appreciate people differnetly now... you know how to love and why to love.... differently..." "True...true... It explains why I was able to find so many reasons to care and love him for... For the first time, I looked for the good stuff... instead of what was wrong..." Yes, it was true... I do love differently now... "something just isn't right Alex... I mean the whole story just isn't there... the anger and hell he's giving you... because of what he's going through makes sense... but the his actions... Mmmmm...." "Fuck, I feel stupid." I do. I feel stupid. I do belive I am a better person now... than I ever was prior to losing Danny. But how do I know I have not just unintentionlly become naive in the process. What a catch-22... How do you remain loving, honest and open to what's good... and not have 'sucker' written on your forehead? How do you trust? And equally not be blind? But right now, there is one thing I fear most... it will be four years this November 12th... since Danny died... And I've never had to be alone... Someone was always there... Whether it be my mom, my best friends, Jorge... petting me... so I would know it's okay to be sad... really okay... I don't want to be sad... alone. I'm just not good at it.
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