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2002-11-06 : 12:54 p.m.
if only to call some heaven
This is a bit of a continuation of my last entry� so I beg that you don�t read on if your having a good day� I hate being such a damper.
Well, I just sent Shawn an email� I said Good-bye� I know, I know� how stupid� an email� but I can�t call him, I can�t see him ... I just don�t know what else to do� The sound of his voice just softens me up, and re-instills all the hope I have� and I�m afraid I�m the only one who hopes� I wrote him after I read his last entry� and stupidly again� after I had just sent him a separate email� asking who R & R were� and when I realized not only who they were� but how his story (to me) didn�t match the one he told all of you� I just lost it� I told him� I wasn�t good at this� I told him I couldn�t handle it� Maybe I am selfish� maybe� But I can�t handle it� the obvious separation he makes with me and the rest of his life� and yes, coincidentally with her. I think, he thinks I�m probably jealous of her� because well, how do I put it� a female can smell an open can of tuna from a mile away� ...but really it�s not the case� I pride myself on being able to separate those that really are not at the root of a problem... from those who are... they (by that, I mean- her) are accidental accesories- if you will... and this fundamentally has nothing to do with her� if it wasn�t her, it would be someone else. And I�m sure, she is a good person in her own right� but I won�t ever know since, well, I�m not chosen to be around when she is� when anyone is� (ashamed are you? Annoyed?) But then when he tells me he loves me� Christ I hang on those words like a crack addict on his hit� God and I wish so stupidly that he�d fight me on this�. He�ll fight me and tell me I�m wrong, so very wrong� just fight me damn it! Fucking fight me� But then something he said two night ago� haunt me� he said he just wants me to be happy� Kiss of death� Yes, he does care, I know� and probably does feel that way� hell, I also feel every person on this planet has that right� but let�s lay this the way it really is� without the wishy-washy high school antics� Yes� I want you to be happy� you better fucking believe it� but it would be an utter lie if I didn�t admit to the subtext within that line and say it the way it should read� I want you to be happy� with ME. Not with my dog, not with Joseph, or peppy-shmo down the block� with me. I want you to want me. I want you to NOT be as happy as you could be in any given situation unless, you could share it with� ME. I want you to turn when you don�t see me there and say� �shit I wish Alex were here for this� (or) shit�. Alex would enjoy this�� That is what I want� Fuck� that is really what anyone wants or thinks when they undoubtedly love someone� anything else is a diversion or a lie� �Yeah� honey sure� we could see other people� I�m okay with that�� is A GOD-DAMN lie� Life is too fucking short for that damn bull shit folks� too damn short. Oh god� and how I need you at this very moment� how I need you so� I�ve been so patient for two months because I wanted you to have any strength I could share. I wanted to give you at least that much� But right now I need you, I need someone to tell me it�s okay that I can�t tell Danny I�m sorry� I need someone to physically be there and tell me it�s okay� I�ve always had someone to tell me it�s not my fault, because I don�t know how to do it by myself� I need to be strong for Jennifer when she calls me upset� and I can�t, she doesn�t know it� but I�ve never really been the stronger one� because I�ve always secretly had someone there to push me forward� I need you� I can�t stop this guilt� this shit I have dubbed �survivor�s guilt�� by therapists alike� something prozac� extasy� nicotine� alike do not take away� I need you� and yet, I can�t even get myself invited to beer with your new little friends� Pathetic. Danny would be so disappointed if he saw me like this� I know it� I just want to hear him tell me it�s okay. I need you� and that sucks the most.
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