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2002-11-07 : 2:17 p.m.
closet door ajar
Listening to: Depeche Mode, Violator
"...All I ever wanted/ All I ever needed/ Is here/ In my arms/ Words are very unnecessary/ They can only do harm..." --Depeche Mode Hmmm... after Shari's email... I felt something, I never had before... A sense of responsibilty to what I write. I suppose that's due to the fact, that in the past- the only person who would read anything I wrote... was myself. And when you combine that with being someone who never, never portrayed or shared any of my vulnerabilities... in it's entirty- anyway. Well, you get the following... A flood of friends... some who have known you for years, 5, 6, 10 even... who respond with fear and concern, because they've "never seen you this way"... or as Donna put it once... "all this time, and I had no clue Alex... wow." Yeah, wow... but it's no ones fault but my own really... I've always been exceptionally guarded and good at portraying a sense of control... something even I, have only come to realize within the past three years ago- about myself. It's just the way I've been- a way of being, I have developed... and I'm sure after much psycho-analysis and psycho-babble... there are reasons... In the midst of a bad joke, Luis (M.) once told me (this was years ago... say 8 or so...)that we were of the kind, that could go out and have a ball, laugh and shout... and in the same breath, come home... turn off the lights... "get inside the closet, with the door closed... fetal position... and just let it go." That was the first of our shared secrets to bond us for life... But please don't misunderstand me... I don't think any of this is bad or necessarily "negative"... more like an interesting revelation that has come full circle... Another interesting twist and result of posting my thoughts on an open forum... hmmm... I do love my friends. Indeed, growth is always welcome... and change is a definite plus... so let's see where this takes us, ey?
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