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2002-11-18 : 5:53 p.m.
Ta- Ta... hell.
Listening to: Subcircus (Carousel)
"...I want you like an accident/ An early sun/ A dangerous idea..."�Subcircus I'm diggin' this tune quite a bit... it's new to me...see... but on to more pressing matters on my mind... I AM GETTING OLD!!!!!!!!! Ugh... No, no... I'm not growing any gray... YET. But I'm feeling peculiarly old... and for the stupidest of reasons... And please, please... hold your laughter to a minimum... because I'm not trying to be a comedian about this... honest... but sweet jesus... I think... yes, I think... ahem... that my boobs... the giga-loos... the "twins"... the: ta-ta's... are NOT as firm as they use to be... I mean... I poke and the response is just not what it use to be... they do this Pillsbury-doe-boy kind of reflex now... (What the fuck?) why my sudden self-revelation?... well, those details... just so I am not so cass about things... will just have to remain subdued... but let's just say it's been a while since... hmmm... I've paid attention to the ladies... I normally just don't think about how they're doing unless... I (ahem)... know or think... uhhh� they may be viewed by some particular party of the opposite sex... (***excessive coughing***) excuse me, so yes... and well, I've been quite blessed or damned (depending on your point of view) since I was a young child... and I've had to endure the hell of a bra my entire life really... not b/c the puppies have a life of their own or anything of sorts... (...oh man (*laughing*)... I can't believe I'm writing about such nonsense.... oh, fuck it... if you can't understand, just feel free to move on...) yes, yes... bra's... It�s just that, I've never had to imagine them constrained in such fashion, for the sake of evading the effects of gravity... I've actually always been obsessive about wearing a bra... in order to make them appear smaller... "squooosh" the puppies if you will... And I can't talk to my mother about this... as she was not equally endowed... I'm a bit unnerved about this... I mean... they've constricted my life in ways I know the majority of women just do not understand... oh, the stories I have for you... they would make for great "stand-up" comedian material... I may just have to share a few of them in the near future... the problem is... is that aside from the fact of whether or not, they are a pain in the ass... they have always been a considerable part of my "image" persay... And again, I can't emphasize this... Not to my choice... I use to loathe the attention I would get for them... up and through high school... until I got into college and shamelessly learned how to use them for my advancement... only to still periodically hate them... when say... I would lose an ingenue role... to the "less voluptuous" competition... oh yes ladies... the reverse can and does happen... The play was: Moliere's, Tartuff... and it came down to Andrea (enter a polish last name here, that I cannot pronounce or spell ) and I, for the part of a young pre-pubescent female in the play... And I know this is going to sound rather stuck-up but... I knew the part would be mine... I can't explain it, except... there are times as an actor... when you just "know" when it's yours... everything just falls into place... the perfect audition� oh everything! You just know it... you can feel the role in your gut... And it doesn't happen all too often... it's only happened about four different times for me... and this was the only one of the four that... well... I didn't get. I went to Mikell (the director of the show and major faculty member) right after I had seen the posting... I was horrified... and thoroughly confused... And god... Mikell's words and gestures from that meeting in his office just ring so clear in my mind... In a huff and righteous "black man" kind of manner--- (as Mikell was...) "Well, well, well... my, my, Alex... what can I do for you?" "...Ummm yes... (serious knot in my throat and chest) uhh... well... I just saw the casting list�� Interrupting me, � Oh yes� yes� your gonna be great�� He had cast me as an understudy� and not for the ingenue� for the grandmother role� (Confusing yes� but not to toot my own horn� I�m an exceptional �character� actress� a Jim Carey or Tracy Ullman of sorts� There�s nothing I can�t do� so long as there�s a good make-up artist up for the job� and this particular �grandmother� was a tough one� there weren�t many who could do it� except for the actress who obviously got the role� a particularly large and loud black woman named Jackie� And no I�m not African American� or particularly large either� but he knew I was the only one in the bunch who could follow Jackie�s lead and he really needed me in the spot�) � uh� yeah� thanks Mikell� ummm� but uh�� I could tell by this point, Mikell seemed a bit nervous� he knew what I wanted to know� �I couldn�t give you the part�� �huh?� �I�m sorry� I couldn�t give it to you.� �okay� just tell me what I did or didn�t do� so I can change, improve, whatever�� �Alex� uh� it�s not that� it�s�� (oh, and he was struggling a bit at this point� which is unheard of for this man� I mean, if you sucked� christ, would he tell you�) �Yes�� Egging him on� �Alex� this is a young girl�� �I know�� �Yes� and you have the face of a young girl� but�� And I knew what was coming� I knew it� but I couldn�t let myself cry over this� not in front of him� god did that take a lot� �But Alex�� and he did a kind of motion over his chest� �You don�t have the body of a young girl� and there�s no way to hide it on stage�� I thought I was going to die� but he was right� movie magic kids� is just not the same as stage magic� �I�m sorry.� He continued. �But you do have to know that this is gonna be a problem for you in the future� in terms of casting�� He was right� and it had already been a problem at least twice before� I had just ignored the truth of the matter� because there was nothing I could or can really do about it� I had never hated my body so much as I had that day� I couldn�t overcome a pair of god-damn tits�that would supersede my ability to do what I love. Ugh, thinking about it� makes me hate them again� So with that in mind� and all the other stupid embarrassments, lack of adventures (i.e. playing volley ball like a proper human being)� and sexually-harassing situations the bitches have put me through� On top of all that� The fuckers have the nerve� to start some annoying anti-firmness� �heading south� journey� I want to kill the bitches.
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