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2003-01-11 : 1:52 p.m.
Come hither, my beaute...
Listening to: Filter (Title of record)
This is one of the best CD's to come out of 1999... so if you don't have it... go! shoot! Buy! "...I don't believe in Wow... yeah... it floors me to think, it's been three years since this album came about... since I first heard the liyrcs to this song... and I more than just enjoyed it... I lived it... Becasue I became "awake on my airplane"...awake.. As I had just graduated from UF..."my skin was bare"... As I had just let Jorge go... because my "skin is theirs"...I felt like "a new born"... And strangely enough... without direction, without knwoledge, without ambition... and for the first time, I felt free... And I began to just live in that moment... that precise moment... And the most beautiful of people began to appear in my life... Eddie, Chris, Emilio, Terry... I was gloating with wonderful people all around... And at the exit of my college career... I first became aware... and I mean really aware... As I stared at myself in the mirror and relaized I did not recognize my face... my body... As much of a cliche as that may sound... but it was true... I asked Monica to take me to her local gym... whereby I'd weigh myself... I had gained 40 pounds... on my five foot five and three quarters- frame... I remember looking at Monica... and being absolutely dazed and shocked... I had not noticed... I did not know... No joke. I knew I was "heavier"... but 40 lbs? And when you consider, that at the end of my first year in college, I had lost almost 8 lbs... That meant altogether... I had gained nearly 50 pounds...christ. This... I knew... was a direct result from choosing apathy... and numbness... in regards to my overwhelming stresses and depression... And at that moment... when I got off the scale and walked over to the mirror... And Monica asked if I "was okay?" I could actually see the girl that I was... prior to Jorge, to Danny (G.), to my self-destruction... And would you believe... I was happy... I was relieved... I realized that the things and the love I had and wanted... had not died with Danny... I could remember it... and that meant it was still there. If it weren't for pictures of me during the years of my "bigness"... I tell you I would have never remembered or even believed I was ever like that... You see... I didn't diet... I didn't excersize after the fact... Along with remembering what it "felt" like to be the girl- that I was happy with... Innately. I dropped my first 30 pounds... in 3 months... I shit you not. And when I get the, "How did you lose it? How did you do it Alex?" I can honestly tell you, that outside of what you have already read... the answer was always.. "I don't know." It amazes me how feelings and insight- of oneself manifests itself physically, to the seeing world. The weight just fell... and if it hadn't been for my friends... like Shari, Monica, Eddie and others...who literally freaked out, with typical exclamations: "Oh my god Alex... what's going on?", "Alex are you on a diet?", And he had seen me the day before...(*laughing*) But yes... I supose all this is coming about in my mind.. because of the extenuating circumstances at the moment... and how I feel like everything is at a close... and once again, there's no return. I've completed a cycle... and there is a new slate before me. (That, and I've added some interesting pic's of me in my "biggy" years, on my pic page... *laughing* That brought back all kinds of memories... Namely, those of me jumping into the Fine Arts college fountain... I was sorely tempted to pee in the thing... but I din't. *laughing*) But yes... it really is all that has come to naught... from this past year. And I'm convinced (somehow) that this is a good thing. And I feel free. So beautiful people... how about a beer?
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