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2003-01-09 : 7:18 p.m.
The Kimberly Austin revival
listening to: Porno for Pyros (good God's Urge)
This is it and that's all she wrote... I won't be made to feel guilty any more... for something I didn't do. Sorry hon'... nope not gonna happen... pedro did that mind crap to me... 11 years ago today... and that is where that lesson shall remain. I can't tell you the hell I was going through the first few months of dating Shawn... because that would involve discussing the loss of Jorge... only few days prior... and I need a little more time to assimilate that... But that was that... and I was jumping from apartment to apartment... trying to find a place to live... even cemetary sick... i had become so accustumed to visitng Danny and cleaning his tombstone for so long... and I know it sounds strange...(and it wasn't all the time, or anything...) but it made me feel better... And I missed that... Actually... that's what I did Christmas Day... and as fucked up as that is... that made it the best christmas day ever... because i missed it so... And while all this was going on... my brother literally ran away from home and went M.I.A. And my brother at this (and that) very moment... is the only thing outside of my dog back home... with testicles... that I don't want to claw to death... ... yes... i love him that much... And that moment freaked me out... And add to that... I really wasn't too sure about even wanting to see the boy in question... why? Because... he had just (only a few weeks prior) left his ex-girlfriends engagement ring with his mom... he really faught hard... to tell me it would be okay...he was persistent in his... "give us a chance"... and he was right really... I wouldn't hold the mistakes of previous men in my life, against him... so why should he do that to me...? Yeah... okay... I've slapped my own forehead... no need to reach for me again there... But yes... I went along with it... But being I had the pressure that i did (and to some extent still do)... I told him... over and over... that I could not be the girlfriend he wanted... that I could not commit wholeheartedly... and if he couldn't deal with it (which was so cmpletely understandable, then i would understand if he wanted out, to see others...) but no... he "loved me"... so he said... And we had that conversation... I can't even tell you how many times... So when he runs around telling people... I treated him like "shit"... I well... errr... disagree... you know... it's funny... because for every time you have told me off... disrespected me... and fucked around... oh excuse me, i mean... "innocently flirted"... (was that it?), I bit my lip... and while you scolded me... and took all your angst out... And I like an idiot... believed you were- honest to god... just fucked up... from friends, father... dying... your mom sick... christ what else... I never once said... "Shawn is treating me like shit." Instead... I mourned for you like an idiot... mourned... mourned when your father died and you were with Becca? yes... mourned... and excused your behavior to everyone as, "he's in a really bad place..." and i defened you... and believed, you had your right to work through this, however you needed to... hell... you know what? This entry ends right here. i need time... time... so please stop pushing buttons you know I have... no more emotional decisions with this. That is nill... and done. I choose to be empowered with what I know. And i'm going to be a kind of "Kinberly Austin"... whereby someone will want to: watch me sway... And who the boy in *~* will be? i don't know... but we'll see...
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