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2003-01-08 : 10:47 p.m.
travel
Listening to: (or was rather, Subcircis- (carousel)... but I�ve switched yet again to the Cure, Wish)
�Okay then...� I thought as the car took me across the 59th st bridge... I looked at all the lights... the overcast sky... and thought... �Okay...� And I felt myself starting to cry... and realized how tired I am of that too... and focused a bit more on the serenity of the bridge... It always is my favourite part of the trip home... It�s just a spectacular view and for a brief moment... I can appreciate New York City from that distance... For it�s fragility... And the illusion that comes with the feeling, that for that brief moment... I can put this complicated, sparkling illusion in the palm of my hand... Yes... it�s a good bridge. It�s been a good bridge... To me. But I still can�t deter the pattern of thought... �Okay... then...� �Okay... well now ummm....� �Yeah... ehhh... okay...� �Okay... right... yes, okay.... okay what?� And then it occurs to me... something I use to do years ago... whenever I felt I needed to shed... The skin, the thoughts, the change, the breath, the pace, the torture... When it needs to shed... I disrobe, jump in the shower... and shave... And I mean shave... every which way... anywhere a lick of hair may hide... and I mean everywhere... And it sounds silly I know... especially since I�m not keen on having hair on my body anyway... But I think it�s the process... the focus that comes into the moment... Where I shave carefully... meticulously... perfectly around my ankles... my legs... my knees... to my thighs... between my legs... till I connect with the other leg... Carefully feeling with my spare hand, in every direction... so as not to miss even a millimeter... not a spot... It takes me so long, it never fails that I run out of hot water... and have to continue in freezing temperatures... But the focus allows me to forget... The travel on my body... remembering places... parts of me... that I�ve missed... And once I�ve reached the final point... I�m a bit winded... I�ve put myself in positions that only a proper yogi would be trained for... When I travel every section of my earth... I travel every shadow, every ridge, every subset of my earth... And when I�m done... it�s as if I�ve purged... and I feel so light... so clean... It�s meditative... and seductive... And wonderful... But the best part is when I come out... I feel clear headed... and for at least that moment things come to me... that couldn�t come through before... Would you believe... that I am not mad at Shawn... for what he may or may not have done... Nope. Because my freedom of him... came a while ago... and I�m fine... I feel broken... simply because I haven�t taken the time, in this entire year to put myself back together.. Or even better... figure out... how and what I wanted to be... and just go with that... You see... part of my moving came with the idea... that most have really... to start completely afresh... to be new again... But we never are really? No matter what state or country you think you may be �better� in... it doesn�t change... I just got use to the void I felt... and lived with it... and changed cities... but it�s still there... And nothing can or will- will it to change or give me chances for change... that all happens with me... solely me... regardless of external variables. Nothing can fill this... Not a new city... a new state... a new friend... a new God... or a beautiful boy from England. I have to do this... or fail entirely, in everything I want and set out to do.
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