mi casa, su casa

Wrote: 1-8-03 @4:13 p.m.

I wrote some wonderful tid-bit on a scrap piece of paper- earlier today� But it was all prior to my revelation. And it couldn�t have happened at a worse time�

As I sat there, content at my desk� (well, semi anyway�) surrounded by co-workers� until I just can�t compose myself anymore� and fucking lose control yet again�

I began my day, checking my hotmail at home- before moving on and off to work. Something I never do. But I had awoken mid-sleep at about 1 am� and starred at my ceiling, as I dwelled in thought- until my alarm went off at seven a.m.

(That right there is the worst kind form my insomnia can take. It allows me to fall asleep just long enough to make me think� that dreaming will prevail� But instead, my thoughts push so fiercely, that they themselves inevitably wake me up.. leaving me to watch the sun rise with a heavy pain that feel so alone, in my heart.)

Yes, that is the worse kind� because it is torturous�

But I had been thinking much about Jorge last night� and how I missed him� and not even in a romantic sense really. Nevertheless, it brought me back to April and May of last year� and once again, I began dissecting all the details of where we had gone wrong�

What info had I missed?

Maybe he hadn�t lied� Maybe all intentions had been honest� and I had just missed something?

God� something?

But for the hundredth� for the thousandth time� I can find nothing.

And I want to because� I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the me- that held on stubbornly to �faith��

that: All will be well�

I miss me�

But due to annoyances beyond my control� I locked this diary� none of it having to do with Shawn�

But he decided he would find a way and read anyway� oh yes� and then notifies me, as if that made it right�

Regardless of my wishes.

Due to an obvious sense of distrust he had� which, I can tell you� �clicked� in my mind�

It clicked� and I confronted him�point blank�

Yes� all this� after I had already gotten to work and read another email� from a separate individual� asking me if I knew Shawn had returned to diaryland, under a new name lostrage. But that part specifically, is not of my concern.

I was still reeling with the thoughts of : �what�s really going on here?�

And yes, I�m about to make a rather long story short� but I�m really, really just tired and I just can�t take this anymore.

No more betrayals.

No more lying.

I have never in the 26 years of my existence- betrayed anyone. Never.

Why? Why do that to someone? It�s obvious you don�t have the love or the need for that person in question� that relationship.

So just go then. Be gone.

Your only wasting your time as well and Christ� it�s just fucking disgusting�

I just can�t wrap my mind around it� I simply cannot understand the fundamental level of selfishness that it stems from� I�m not Mother fucking Teresa� but fuckin� a��

And don�t get me started on �technical� cheaters� the kind that blatantly break things off� to then go and selfishly quench their thirst- and then return to you in some fashion.

That�s just fucking disgusting�

I am disgusted.

It�s all about intentions you know�

INTENT: n. 1)something that is intended, an aim or purpose. 2) (and here�s my fav.) the state of one�s mind at the time one carries out an action. 3)meaning, purport.

Yes� yes� yes� it all makes fucking sense to me now�

Why Shawn was never affectionate with me when I�d go to see him at work� and we�d go off to join his new friends from work� and as per his girlfriend� wouldn�t even hold my hand.

Yes� yes� that�s why you never wanted me around�

And why you didn�t want me at that party, that had �these� people there�

Yeah�. God� yeah�

Your dick warmer was there� and we wouldn�t have wanted the poor pubic bitch to feel uncomfortable, ey?

Every time, I pushed myself in� I felt the stupid bitches intentions, clear as day� and I told you, and warned you� and you played �Stupid Fuck� all along�

Oh yes� and guess what kids? She already has a boyfriend� And Mr. Shawn- the boy who claims would never cheat, never dupe a Mexican fly� still goes out and willingly associates himself with such a person�

No, he himself is not a bitch kids� rather, he just uses them as toasty dick warmers�

I may have been a stupid fuck myself, for believing you� soo sooooooo fucking much�

But good god shawn� what kind of a person is she to do that- to someone else as well???????? And without a second thought�

Sounds like another Kyley to me� let�s just hope this one isn�t bisexual� so you don�t have to worry about the infidelity from both angles again�

And there I was crying for you� calling people left and right, checking up on you, worried� wondering� hoping for you�

Left and right, left and right, left and right�

Doing anything I could for you�

And you had Becca to thank in your diary?

Well holy shit� honey had I known it was your limp dick that was hurting when your dad died and not your heart� I would have stroked that instead. Tsk� tsk� bad alex� horrible girlfriend alex! Tsk!

See� I also had no idea that as you talked about having this grand �intuitive sense� of yours� that it was, �THAT� magic stick- that led you along to flowing streams, to quench your thirst.

Tsk� tsk� what a bad and heinous girlfriend I am.

I�m sorry shawn� I really am�ehhhh�

Oh shit wait� *rolling eyes to back of head*� here comes a wave of regret�~ Wow� and you pet me� you pretended to love me� you slept with me last� ehh� 2 months ago? Becca as far as I know started/stopped(?) prior to that�

(sorry doing some math� the mind is working fiercely at the moment�)

Christ� how I wish I had fucked a bottle of bleach instead� At least I wouldn�t feel so disgusting and infected as I do�

And you know what the worst part is� not the idea that you and I will never be� fuck that. It�s the embarrassment�

How could I let myself be duped like this�? How?

It was one thing with Jorge� he didn�t fail me for five years, before he became absolute shit� SO why wouldn�t I have developed the trust I had�

And yet, as much as I hurt after that loss� I left� I walked away� And I will never deal with him again.

But you� oh god.. everything you were going through� just had to break my heart into pieces for you� and I wouldn�t let myself waver for you� but all along, all you needed was a dick mitten to keep you warm� who knew?!!

I feel so stupid� so stupid� that�s just it�something inside me told me- I could never be with you again� and I just didn�t get it�

And I feel so stupid�

And you know� I don�t even know how I could even be your acquaintance if I wanted to be� because you would never be able to see or speak to her again�

But see�

That�s just a powerful choice, I refuse to give you� And besides� her mouth is surely broken in- with much more frequency� being that it�s not my thing to soothe a man�s heart, with soley such action� so it�s just as well� you stay with her.

I think I�ll have a grander time fingering myself� while banging my head against the fucking wall�

At least, I can stay hard�

Oh sorry doll�. I didn�t mean to toot my own horn there� tsk! Tsk! Bad alex! Bad alex!

Oh but don�t worry, because you did win� you really did�

Because at this very instant I don�t or won�t trust anything�

That wonderful moment I had just two days ago or so� yeah� gone� go ahead gloat� that�s what you wanted right?

And when I go to class on Sunday�that Turkish boy who gave me flowers to match my shoes� (cute and quick learner that little fuck...) and has been flooding me as of late with insinuations and invitations�

Yeah, when he tells me how pretty I am�

I�ll think of you, along with everything else�when I spew �oh thanks hon�� and follow with the mental subtext� �Lies��.

Yeah thanks honey� I�ll owe you that save� �whew!� *wiping forehead* that�ll be a close call..

Hell� the way I feel this moment�.how I really look at anything and feel scorned� how just an email prior to yours I believed him so faith fully� and the one that came right after yours� I could only just drop my head in tears� and tell Paola� �no more� no more delusions��

So thank you Shawn� you have saved me from the world�

(Disclaimer: although I must admit, this cunt may prove to still be open for business- for all practical intents and purposes� I have been officially sealed� trying to keep myself from building up this barrier over the years� has become just too fucking exhaustive� and all I want right now is just some sleep�) because I can't take it anyomore. Jorge just left me too raw... and you've just become the stinging amonia, to remind me of my still open flesh...

So please... please... God please... just a little sleep�

No pills.

Just sleep.

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24