2003-01-07 : 2:00 a.m.
Screw all, & their annoying expectations... I am blissful...

Listening to: The Cure (Wish)
Yes... it�s been playing quite a bit as of late... literally on and off, in between anything- I may have tried to change to... but nonetheless... I crave it. And it returns to the player. There are few albums that I put on... to help ease the rolls and rifts, that split me open to such need.
It�s been quite a while since I�ve felt this way... I am absolutely overcome with, -not just the mood... but the deep seated desire to be wooed... and woo with absolute defiance and necessity to trust. It�s the desire to simply be:

Overcome.

And this does not happen all too often... I can count the times and list the boys with just my fingers...

I almost don�t know how to explain it... except to tell you- that the feeling makes me so dizzy... I find myself having to remind myself... to just breathe.

It�s an absolutely exquisite mental and chemical high- that creeps over me... it�s fantastic... it�s addictive. It comes to me right before the curtain rises... although, not just for any performance.

But for that piece... that piece that pulls and makes me ache... that makes me feel as though I will succumb and drown from the sweat that peels off me.

I felt it right before I spoke as Ntzake Shange...

The torture was so exquisite... so mind blowing... I could have just as easily closed my eyes... and believed I was coming full on with a captivating man instead.

For the first time I thought I could just come to... from the moment in mind alone.

Being the lady in red... was literally... orgasmic.

The moment that came to me with Ntzake... had me in disbelief...

Prior to that... only Danny (A) in high school could put me in such a daze...

And it all came to, because of the ultimate culmination of all things that could be.
My absolute faith in his desire for me... the fact, that I missed him and longed for him- even as he laid right next to me... he was my best friend... we spoke about anything... we talked to each other during... and after... and we could just sit and stare... and smile...

And more importantly... I wanted him so bad... It physically hurt...

It made me dizzy...

It was so addictive...

So addictive... it was passion that could only be achieved... with someone who is willing to just let you sit over them... as you two just breathe... breathe into and on each others lips....

Not a single kiss...

Just a breathe... and I was barely nineteen.

And as the Lady in red... an experience entirely realized by just me.. And with the words I could literally envision and speak... Just as, at this very moment... I keep forgetting to breathe...

And it has just come entirely on it�s own (that is to say, without any physical contact, that could excuse it)...

And the number for which these moments have existed for me... how they all fit, numbered... on the sole, same simple hand...

And once again, like my moment with Shange�s words... I find that a physical body is not there to reciprocate...

Only words and the visions they create...

And would you believe... as sad as the end of this story could turn out... as bittersweet, as the need for completion may linger... uninvited...

As bittersweet as that may be... the lack of his presence, here with me...

I am so happy. So deliriously happy...

You have to understand, I�ve been excited and filled with fun with respects to some and all, that have come into my life these past four years...

But since Danny (G)�s death... I haven�t felt like this...

Having to forget how to breathe... to be so lost in the emotion....

Where your heart has to give one last large thump.. In order for you to know -you must reclaim- that which it so desperately needs...

And I honestly and truly believed that- that sensation... the spinning sensation.... had been gone forever...

That I had been forced to grow up...

But as I traveled home from work today... I thought of him... and laughed... as he makes me smile so. And as I traveled down the steps... and through the door... I found myself being overcome with euphoria... that beautiful euphoria... that at first makes you think you just might be sick...

When in fact... you�re just deliriously high... on the mood, the words, the sheer fun he inflicts...

I came home hungry...

Yes I am hungry...

�Then eat...� Adrienne would tell me.

�I don�t think I can...� rubbing my stomach... �I can�t..� I smile, and smile, and smile...

�I can�t eat.�

And as a friend... I can�t thank you love... for what you have so unintentionally done... how you have affected me so...

Even when in all technicality... you are still very much a stranger.

Thank you. For delivering more than just words on a screen... or a voice on the telephone... thank you.

I do believe... you and I, will be sharing many jokes... regardless of circumstances, and what might or might not happen...

Because for this, I owe you that and much more...

For I cannot breathe...

And to know this, I am happy.

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24