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2003-01-22 : 6:31 p.m.
catch me please...
Fucking ey... yeah... I don't know if it's the limp (ha!) bizkit... that was playing that has me wound up...
yet again... or what... I AM FUCKING HOSTILE... and in the immortal words of Shari... "Settle down..." (yeah call me... would do me some good to hear that...) I think it's just all coming together really... Just being really, really, really, FUCKING tired... And all I really, really, REALLY want to do right now... is HIT someone... (funny thing is... is if it ever comes down to that... i wouldn't actually be able to do it... I never have the heart to actually beat well deserved idiots, most of the time...) Although... to be fair... The idiot in this case, may very well be ME. I want to trust someone unconditionally. And I can't. Before Jorge... I was a very, very, very... angry and embittered person. And I never really put that image foward necessarily... instead, I swallowed it... and suffered pain in my stomach and gut, like you would not beleive... I would rupture things internally and bleed in a manner, that would be too gross to descriptively share... I remember my freshman year in High School... that was bad... I'd be buckled over on my desk- with the worst pain imaginable... and prior to meeting Jorge, and having a bit of a "mental break down" in college... the doctor threatened me with surgery... if only to put it bluntly: "I didn't get a grip..." And then I met him... and even with Danny's death... the pains were never as bad, as I'm sure they could have been. Because I trusted him... so much... so very much... that even my father's fall from grace- did not cripple me- as much as it could have...because I had him to just lean on... he did nothing really... but everything at the same time... But it's back... and it hurts... and I'm growing weary of having to be happy around Adrienne... (i've never liked the idea of taking grief out of others... so I really try to make a concerted effort- to just keep things to myself...) But from about April on... I just want to fold... and all because I've fallen back... into a world that holds no trust for me... If I could just trust one... one person... just one... with anything... with my whispers... my bleeding nail bites... if I could trust... without having to think about it... and that's the key really... WITHOUT having to think about it... then it would all be alright... wouldn't it? Yeah... just one. ONE. to fall back on... Then it would all feel just- 'all right'...
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