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2002-12-12 : 6:34 p.m.
Crushed... smitten... and dazed
Listening to: I'm actually just a bit too perplexed, annoyed, and just shocked to even go into this one... anyhow...
So I'm going to let this one rest... I'm so engulfed by so many emotions at the moment... the full spectrum... of things that have me dizzly in a crush... to, full of sadness...that literally, it's all clouding my mind... and I fear... this is the cause of my insomnia as of late... (I get really bad bouts of it sometimes... it's just insane really...) But yes... I took a melatonin last night... which was and wasn't a good thing... I ended up not being able to sleep anyway, while it still carried some effect... Instead I spoke to Shawn for hours... yes... partially drugged... So I can't emphasize the mess I was feeling... Although... I was able to keep the crying to the very minimal... but nevertheless, I exploded on him... and stuck my foot in my mouth so wretchedly... and would you belive he remained relatively calm? Wow. Well except for the moment he got a bit rowdy with me... and asked me "WHAT DO YOU WANT ALEX???" "Ummm..." "No... DON'T THINK... JUST SAY IT... WHAT DO YOU WANT?" A question pertaining to everything... from me wanting to just move to another city... to well... the obvious of course... But I was honest... granted not very tactful... but honest... And really... Everything I want is really out of my control... and left to chance more than choice... and as always that makes me sad... I don't work well with chance... but I was honest... All I know for certain is what i don't want... and he and I, at this point... don't even fall under either... chance nor choice. I just don't think he and I... and I mean... "can be"... as the situation stands... and that sucks...
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