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2002-12-13 : 6:41 p.m.
I can sympathize with cats in heat...
Listening to: Mixed CD, I made for Jorge.
Okay... This is torture... Absolute torture... (Shari are you reading this... because I think I'm buckling...) I have no other way of putting it... except... I NEED TO GET LAID... end of discussion... that's it... My body, must be on some kind of timer... because I cannot possibly hold out for more than three weeks... before I START TO GO MADDDDDDDDDDDDD......... Jesus... Why the break in sanity this time? Well... I'm re-reading a play and I have to do a scene from it, for class this sunday... And I have to be prepared to discuss my characters lack... or 'nill' really... ehhh... of orgasms... And I have to relate to this woman some how? Ummmm.......... Yeah....... Ummmmmmmmm..... Nope........... ehhhhhhhh..... Not gonna happen............. Niet'!!! Nada!!! Never!!! I'm really not trying to be an ass... I've just always been thoroughly aggressive in that department... Really aggressive... which is why my friends, very often... do not believe the numbers (they are fairly low)... but I am what Shari has dubbed: a chronic "recycler"... and I've always been in lengthly relationships... so I've never had to depend on just any boy... and thus the numbers have remained low... but think about it... why on earth would I risk... a loss of time (pet peeve for me)... if say, I have no real interest in the man, outside of that need... He'll know where to touch... what to say... how to rub... how to hold... where and when to move me... even what article of clothing to remove first... That's why the best sex to be had... is with someone you are completely engulfed by in life... psychologically, you can't help but to make "love"... and not just give a simple nudge for a fuck... (what- are you kidding me?) And I have to admit... I am not patient when it comes to sex... And it's not something that I necesarily gloat about... (being a bit of an ass that is)... Actually, I don't know why I get that way sometimes... "domineering", I guess you can say... Oh if Shari, would actually write on this thing... the stories she could tell you about me... like how I once did not let a man talk for a second... before, during, and afterwords... he just annoyed me to no end... for reasons, I am just not going to mention... because well... I do admittedly sound like a flat out BITCH when I tell the story... But yeah... I swore that would be the last time... I EVER HOOKED UP FOR JUST SEX.... I couldn't even believe, I had even allowed it for a second time... because it NEVER WORKS!!! And if the gentleman in question does not know you very well... Well, he isn't going to take direction very well... And when I say that... I don't mean I just jump in demanding this and that... Well how do I put this? (And ladies... for those of you who fall into the massacred and mis-led 70-something percentile of women who have never had a big 'O'... here's a piece of advice...) Ever. You don't come with a set of instructions... and if you don't know either... then just pay attention to yourself when you're feeling well... uhhh... kinda in heat... you know, when shit starts to throb... and you feel strangely aroused in very specific areas... (well... start there...) And if you still don't know... watch a freakin' porno... and not one from England... (as MR. secondclass has taught us...) and pay attention... and don't give me that icky--- "Oh I just don't do that crap" bull shit... It's a physiological fact... that women... (albeit men moreso...) also get aroused by watching other couples have sex... And if you're that much of a- "I swear by it" puritan... than flippin' watch HBO 2... some soft porn...(that actually works a bit better for me... that kind of, not really "knowing" what's happening is more of a turn on...) God that sounds whorish... but come now kids? Let's not get wishy- washy about shit and call it for what it is, ey? SO yeah... I have to relate to this character... and I CAN'T... I know she's (my instructor) going to ask shit like: "Well Alex... I'm sure you don't have them 'all the time'... so just remember that feeling...when it didn't happen." And of course, what I will say... won't be what I really want to say... which is: "Oh yeah... but that didn't make me feel void or 'oh I wonder' and crap... that just blatantly annoys me. I was born horny... it's almost like my very own hell... because I can't have 'Sex in the City'- Samantha quests...(God what envy...) because I can't get passed that psychological component normally... and worse... every man is NOT GOOD!!! And not because of sheer performance see? You can blow a mind boggling fuse, just as easily with oral games...And although some men will bitch to no end about how: it's not their fault and they don't know it all... and 'every fucking woman is too damn complicated' or it's not 'their fault'--because they do it the 'right way'...(BTW... what the fuck does that mean?)... and then you try and give them a little bit of direction... and they clam up like a bunch of machoistic twits!! Grrrrrrrrr!!!" And besides... a boy who just met you is never very willing to just play... and play... and play... till the sun rises... is he? Christ... I hate being bothered like this... I'm just not use to it... (Yeah that sounds bad... but I've always managed to be in a relationship... or I'd call well... my boy... ehhhhhh....) And I really am trying hard to stop this recycling nonsense... I am... Because well... it's recently become complicated... with any of them... feelings from someone or somewhere have gotten involved... and I don't mean to imply I don't care about these boys or vice versa... okay case in point... Danny (A.)... Ex-boyfriend actually... but a friend for a long time... years... and well... we have always just loved being together... and the fact is... it has a lot to do with: that we love each other very much... but we decided early on that we would never actually "be" together... (for reasons too long to get into)... and we would invariably stop... when say one or the other was with someone... and it worked for some time... it just did... But this last time... months ago now... we realized we were-- i guess... kinda just getting hooked on each other... And we were "coupling" without realizing it... So I made the move... and told him it had to end... we really had to just be friends... and he readily agreed... So yeah... now what...??? And please... don't give me dildo advice... that shit sucks for me... I'd rather play with a boy... ten times over than any plastic wand... Well... unless they came up with one that could speak and carry a conversation with me... but then I could become a fucking nut... and fall in love with a pseudo-man that literally fits in my hand... and with the way.. certain areas in my body are pulsating at the moment... that will surely put me in a fucking loony- bin... OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! This just isn't good for my general good mood... it's fucking killing it... Help.
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