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2002-12-14 : 12:42 p.m.
Un-planned Parenthood... Written journal entry. Listening to: Stabbing Westward (what can I tell you... this pent up energy is wanting out... and it's making me feel a bit hostile as a result...) So yeah... I'm as dry as a desert. And as defunct this personal oasis may be at the moment... I had to make my timely appearance to Planned Parenthood. I normally, am able to take the time to go during the week... but being the hectic work week it was... I had to come on a Saturday. And as per it being a weekend, I assumed it might be a bit busier... Ummm... yeah... Now let's set up today's story, shall we? Prior to entering the fascilities, you have to go through a metal detector... and the guard checks your bags... Once you pass this, you get buzzed into the "first" waiting room... and over time, I've come to menatlly refer to this room, as the 'family' or 'mens' waiting room. For the simple reason: I always find 2 or 3 random men just sitting and waiting.... ever so patiently.. Now I have to tell you.. at this particular center... they do EVERYTHING. The entrie scope, from: contraceptive pick up/ fills, GYN checks, morning after "essentials", pregnancy tests, counseling, well... you get the picture... Many "choices". But today, when I open the door, upon the buzz... I am shocked at an instant... There's a flood of men... Not only was every seat taken, but there were some sitting on the floor (holding their heads), others pacing, a few just standing... I had to stand there a while and just take it all in... I was a bit taken aback... I mean.... there are normally like 40 or so 'empty' seats... So there I stood for a brief moment... Staring at all these men (who on many occasions stared back...) as they paced, fiddled thumbs, rubbed their facse down, sighed heavily... Well... who obviously were taking their own "personalized shit"- as it were... Now to get to where I have to go- You literally need to walk through all this to get to a second room... to then be buzzed through again... (What can I tell you... with the feel of that room.... I might as well have been a "dead man walking"...) So I get buzzed into the second area... And again... another sea of humans... but this time they are female... "Jesus Christ..." I mumbled to myself. And I made my way through this second waiting room... onto a kind of little sub-room, where you go to sign up for prescription pick ups and so forth... I sign my name at the counter and fill in what it is I have come for... I take my seat, with the sea of women... And at this point, being the obsessant observer of folk- that I am... I start to look around at the women... Their choice of appearance (clothes, accesories, jewlery)... their body posturing, (the way they sit, fidget, fiddle... chew their nails...), and most importantly- I look at their faces. The array of faces and emotions. Meanwhile, names are being called one by one- up to the counter- for varying reasons... I then notice this petite frame sitting across from me... We'll call her 'C', because she's wearing these ultra cool red converse sneakers (hi tops!). But her face... God, the look on her face... The blank stare of her eyes... she just sat there, completely motionless- her hands on her lap- palms facing towards the heavens- with her heavy coat still on... Just motionless... (it must be shock? I think... or maybe just utter sadness and buckling dispair... I just don't know...) This had to be one of the saddest faces I have ever bared witness to... My observation was then thwarted by a nurse entering the large waiting room, with a small garbage can on hand... "Ladies... if you're chewing gum- you need to get rid of it... It affects your blood pressure and could change the results of your pregnancy tests..." (I'm thinking... 'What? Really? Bubble Gum? Who knew?!!') The nurse then proceeds to go from young lady to young lady- where by each one throws out the gum in their mouths.... at least 20 or so... Only one other girl mentioned she wasn't here for a test, by the time she got to me... She sticks the garbage can in front of me... "Oh, ummm... No... it's just an Altoid actually..." I say. "Huh?" "Ummm... I'm not here for a test..." "oh okay..." and she moves on. As soon as she moves out of my way... C' comes into view again... She goes into her jacket pocket... and pulls out a pink carbon copy of a medical form of sorts... Her face... her everything is just paralyzed as she stares at it... I don't even think she's actually reading it... the pupils are at a stand still... and again... I look around at all these girls... and I think of the nervous boys, just on the other side of the wall... And all of a sudden I felt taken aback once more... -How impersonal all this was... How strangely benign... And when I turned back to look at C'... her face... her face became others for me... I saw Jennifer (H.) all of a sudden sitting there... I saw Jennifer (F.) in a blank... I saw Monica... confused... I saw too much in this pretty girl... that it stunned me in a way... I could feel my heart beat as I sat there... Until my name was called... I then, proceeded to the counter... "How many packs would you like sweetie?" asked a different woman... "One?" "ummm... actually... I'm thinking" I pause. "Two... yeah two..." We conduct the usual exchange... cash for pills... and such... "Now you take care of yourself.." she says. I shake and rattle the packets of pills in my hand... "Plan on it... Have a good day..." "Oh you too sweetie..." And I proceed to leave the countered room... with dead aim of C' on my way out... She makes eye contact with me... and I tell you it just leaves my mouth... almost unexplicably... In a low voice... "You'll be okay..." I tell her... She just looks at me... and barely gives a hint of a smile... But it's fine... because the feeling that is present at that very moment...of sympathy and hope... is more than apparent with the teary blink of her eyes... I smile for her... "You're going to be okay..." And after what felt like another 30 min stare, I walk away and out... Feeling to knowledgeable for my age... Nonetheless, even that... weighs tons less... if it were instead... my very own...
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