2003-01-17 : 6:19 p.m.
Dressed up... with no where to go

Listening to: K-ROCK, a New York radio station. Oh never mind... just switched to FILTER.

Why have I been writing shit entires you ask? As irony would have it... I've been bombarded just a bit- with such said question- by those individuals who take direct part in the answer itslef...

So fuck it.

Here it goes.

1) Someone who has become very close to me at work... has a pretty decent size crush on someone at this same job... (Mind you, she has a boyfriend... and it's a serious relationship at that... she has a child with him, for one.) But she's a fairly delicate and sensitive flower, and being far less jaded and embittered than I... and add the innocense that comes with her age... I think she'd be just a bit hurt with such information:

He wants me. (Said boy she longs for.)

2) I can't write in explicit or complete details of things running through my mind- (in regards to my situation with Shawn...) because frankly...

I don't know or feel safe in how, or what I write... in order for him not to misunderstand... or misread what i have transcribed.

All I know... is I can't be with someone, who has no clue as to what they themselves want.

You may in fact, just be lonely.

And that's a gamble I refuse to make.

There's so much more involved to things than... 'I remember when things were so good... and I felt so much...' to wanting to recapture a relationship.

You need to be IN love...

3) Adrienne... jesus christ man... wash your hands man!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!

y'know I haven't gotten on your ass once about... NEVER CLEANING THE BATHROOM OR KITCHEN... oink... oink...

BUT GOOD GOD... SPARE ME YOUR VAGINAL BACTERIA!!! (I apologize to any readers for that one... but it is... what it is. Enough said.)

4) Hot Henry.. (yes you...) sharing with anyone the things I have already written about you, (thoughts, images and talks to remember, with and for you...) well, for one... that would mean... not calling you HOT HENRY...(although it amuses me so...)
And two, it's a 'sense' of control, I'm not yet willing to lose.
(Notice the term 'sense of'. It's more of a feeling it gives, as opposed to something I think actually exists. understand?)
And being that what I feel... in all reality stems from 20% Actuality, and 80% Mental fill-in... sharing all those words with you... would mean having to possibly back them up- and also, subsequently put you in a position (as to when you and I meet)of you feeling a bit uncomfortable, (hell both of us)- regardless of how we may shrug it off to jokes now.

And well... it may very well be all Ego at the moment... which just goes back to that 'sense of' control...

but I have feelings that stem from almost 'nowhere' (and you know what I mean by that)... that honestly, I would much rather not have...

And Henry... it's not me being negative see... it isn't... because I'm enjoying this surprise (You) more than you can literally know...

I just know how I am... so you'll have to trust me on this...

because when I miss you... I won't handle it well... (even if it happens behind closed doors and you're none the wiser,) I just won't be well.

It's the worse way to be really... and as much as I try to be otherwise... I have always been this way.

Trapped in a Paradox, of feeling so much- that it turns on itslef... and frankly creates more melo-drama than necesary...(and all entirely within myself.)
It's like I'm missing the one mental component, that allows me to communicate the rational thought to my heart... thus comforting and controling, as opposed to just being RAW.

But you already know much... if not all... if your mind has wondered even remotely as much as mine...

And I've been honest anyway.

And I'm sure, at some point you'll come on diaryland... and find an added 50 transcriptions sharing- what you have just found out in real life.

And regardless of anything... your sense of devotion has already taken me so... and with that alone, I find myself being so happy...
as with that, we are already made to be the best of friends... (and anything else, is just icing on the cake), and I can knock any unwanted Harem member out of your way, at any notice...
screw the stick honey to fend them off...

"Screw with Hot Henry will you?!!!" *pow!* *bang!* *clang!* *chop!* *smack!*

Consider the psycho over and out...

I've got you covered love...

And five... (this really has nothing to do with anything that I've just written... I'm just venting...)

but i'm so hard up... I WANT TO CRY!!!

I shit you not, my sexual dreams... have become flippin' nightmares.
It's as if my body is repelling against me, for DENYING it what it NEEDS.

And I use to think, i could never be anything like a nun... because I had no discipline... YEAH RIGHT!

It's a DAMN MEDICAL NECESSITY for me!!! Jesus... I find myself waking up from this crap... I AM HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING BECAUSE I AM IN SOME KIND OF MASSIVE WITHDRAWAL...

See recycling my boys, was not some kind of "for fun" tool...

It was survival i tell you...

My body, my mind is like... "okey dokey... we're looking good from here buddy... errr... uhh... now WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!!"

And Paul honey... if you're reading this...

you deserve a freakin' medal of honor... no, no... a damn nobel Peace prize...

Bless you good man...

I'm suppose to be seeing Danny err... soon...

I will not get intoxicated... I will not get intoxicated... I will not get intoxicated...

(Shari, this is where you call me... and back it up man! Yell! Scream! Tell me no! Tell the Pooh-NAH-Ny... to shut the trap!)

what has it been 2 and a half, three months? does it matter? Good grief what is wrong with me?

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24