2003-02-23 : 3:55 p.m.
"Let's make this last forever...and ever..."

Listening to: Computer is pumping off of Play list... But currently it�s Blink 182's �First Date� track...

�In the car I just can�t wait
To pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it�s lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn�t know what you�d wear?
I�m just scared of what you�d think
You make me nervous so I really can�t eat
Let�s go
Don�t wait
This night�s almost over
Honest, let�s make this night last forever.
Forever and ever
Let�s make this last forever...
Forever and ever... let�s make this last forever
Forever and ever... let�s make this last forever
When you smile I melt inside
I�m not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I�m jealous of everybody in the room
Please don�t look at me with those eyes.
Please don�t think hint that you�re capable of lies.
I dread the thought of our very first kiss.
A target that I�m probably gonna miss.
Let�s go
Don�t wait
This night�s almost over
Honest, let�s make this night last forever.
Forever and ever
Let�s make this last forever...
Forever and ever... let�s make this last forever
Forever and ever... let�s make this last forever.�

I�m so overwhelmed with memories of Fletcher... Although, there is one in particular...
us sitting on my couch... talking on and on (and even re-enacting on occasion! ha!)... about those first few nerve wrecking moments before meeting...
Learning what the other was thinking, feeling, just seconds prior to my coming through the door... and finding him there.

Right there.

In front of me.

In every full dimension made available to the naked eye.

Finally.

And in retrospect, it still makes me chuckle how he refers to our first real evening as our �first date�.

And as such... as corny and poppy Blink may be to some... the song is truly appropriate.

But in another side step... although, on a related note...

Last night... I wondered into my written journal... and began reading all that I had written previous to our physical moments together. And good god, there is so much that never became privy to the pages of diaryland...

If none else... for guarded, pathetic reasons... that now in obvious retrospect seem rather silly.

Here�s one I wrote just six days prior to that first eloquent kiss of encounters...

*****************************************

Written: 2-5-03 9:04 p.m. (Written entry.)

I feel like I am in some sort of transition. Yet, nothing looks as if it were actually moving.

I don�t think I would like to ever put myself in this position again. Meeting someone, under such �romantic� pretenses.

First off, the apprehension is too much-
much too much.

And worse, all of my insecurities seem to be coming to naught...
And all at once.

I�m feeling fat, pale, clumsy, gross, disheveled, dumb, confused, spineless... and
cowardly.

How this internet �rendevous� manages to function on any level at all... is entirely unknown to me.

I am too much of a thinker...
and a creative one at that... for this situation. So my imagination fuels said insecurities.

See, on any given moment- I can walk straight into a bar, nightclub, party, classroom, a stage...
And I can own it.

Because the air, the moment, my state of mind-
belong-
before I even walk in,
to me.

I know what I want and more importantly, I do not waver in the person I �want� to be...
The person I am.

I think...

***************************************************

The following I wrote last night in response.

Written: 2-22-03 3:13 a.m. Written journal entry.

Re-reading what I have and understanding the emotions from which it all stems...
Now makes it all seem so silly.

Such said truth in hindsight.

The ugliness... the fear...

But with the new memories I hold now...
I can tell you this much...
I met him head on...

And with every light on.

From the candles below, to the bulbs above...
I never thought twice about it all.

Because without explanation...
under the scope of every spot light,
including his very sight of me...
I felt absolutely comfortable.

In a way I couldn�t emphasize to him...

I felt beautiful,
knowing he was aware of all the pieces of skin exposed to the pressures of air...

Oh the comfort...

That�s what shocked me the most. How any ounce of relentless guard, just fell off me like a robe preceding your shower....

It all just magically,
Smoothly...
As if from rote memory,
fell.

And he and I, would witness...
without any shadows.

How foreign...

I could never have imagined...

All this time, my backbone was a passport and an eight hour plane ride away...

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24