|
2003-02-20 : 2:33 a.m.
You forgot something...
Listening to: A compilation CD that Fletcher made for me.
Ahem. Yes. Mr. Devallyk. The uber �Pimp� extra ordinaire. But yes... I really just don�t know how or where to begin. I just know of the feeling that overwhelms me at the moment. Creating that rushed high of absolute fog in my head... when I try to conceptualize this past week... and put Fletcher to words. And although, I am certain he will write about his adventures that preceded his visit to me, and will write all (or in the very least some, I hope) of what has occured, in the days, between he and I... I simply at the moment... haven�t a clue- as to how to share it all with you. I only have this raw encompassing feel of loneliness without him. It�s as if, he�s come here to show me... to bring to light... to make me aware, that despite of my resolutions of being absolutely fine... that I am not alone... that I am okay... That now without his presence... I really am not. And in it�s wake... entirely incomplete as a person. And without him... I would not have known... I would have gone on believing... I was well... and stood firmly alone... independent... and strong. But in learning about all the things that can be... All the things that should be... The way things ought to be... Knowing what this tastes like... Has brought awareness. He has changed me. And the only thing I can remember with distinct cohesive memory... are the final moments, before he would walk away. We had made the lines, checked the bags, and began the walk towards the final set of metal detectors one is subjected to. If it hadn�t been for his holding my hand so firmly... I would have been numb to any physical sensation. I was trapped in the notions... of not wanting to think... And in that moment and final approach to the agent, that keept watch at the start of this particular �Gate� entry line... �Okay. Right!� He said abruptly. And pivots completely around, pulling me with him a few steps, away from the start of the Gate. And in such sequential and perfect order... the knots that had been pressuring my chest and heart, ruptures. And I break. And as he yanked me towards him, held me... and attempted every which way to soothe me... as he held my face up... shooshing me with his sound and breath over my face... I cried and cried. Only to stop for the briefest of seconds, when he again... utters the phrase that has become the calling card for the past, present, and future. He held my face and said, �This will not end here.� And with the little motion, I could feel... I just nodded. To which he then added, �I am coming back.� And the rest is just more added haze, as I cried, and fought desperately to take him in, any way I could... Feeling him, touching him... smelling him... memorizing him. But it was as if, nothing I did was enough... I couldn�t cup him... bottle him... even in my own mind... Because it was all just simply much to big for such a simple and feeble attempt. Because I love you. And in what had to be- He turns and walks away. And I knew how to do nothing else... but stand there... And like an absent minded little girl... Cry. And cry. And cry. As I watched him be swallowed by the chaos of all the bodies that enveloped the airport. And the moment that was only he and I... had taken it�s final gasp. I can�t tell you how long I stood there. I don't really know. In all likelihood it was quite a while. But I really just couldn�t move. I felt like I had lost all direction. And had no where to go. It wasn't until I did a teary drunken glance over to the woman who had first spoken and asked for the ticket, that I noticed... the half witted, �how sweet...� look and smile on her face; And broke a bit free of the paralyzing focus. And soon after, that acknowledgment was broken by a female guard who approached me from my left. �Are you okay?� She asked me. I can barely move my lips and painfully feel like I have to push... �Yes.� I turn away and look back at the chaotic void of heads... �He�ll be back honey.� She says. I just look over and smile at her. �Is that your boyfriend?� She asks. I chuckled a bit. Fate... coincidence... serendipity... synchronicity... god... whatever... they have been taunting us the whole time you see.... From the first fortune cookie Fletcher has ever eaten... to the wraths of nature... Moses himself could have shown himself at my doorstep and asked, �It would really help us out if you two would just be together. Great famines and wars will be resolved, y'see. So would you two mind getting together all ready?� And Fletcher and I, would have just as eloquently shrugged our shoulders and said, �Okey Dokey.� It would have been just as typical... In perfect keeping with all the rest. But all in all, I found myself not knowing how to really answer. Because with all the forces that be, the coincidences, and blissful passions... would warrant the obvious answer of �yes�. But in the light that also paints that question... for all it�s technical value... In that very same benign, small, and yet excruciatingly technical jargon... He is being forcefully taken away from me... and not giving us the chance to melt with all the joys and possibilities of that �Yes.� �Fucking ey! YES!� But I can only functionally give her, �I suppose.� �You suppose?� She responds. �Well honey... �suppose� doesn�t really describe how much this is bothering you.� I smiled. She was right. Oh the irony of this... of everything. And with the humor... and the unknowing truth of the words from her... and how really complex it all is... (Oh if she only knew...) �Okay then...� I reply. �Yes. It�s yes.� She smiles approvingly. �Well, don�t worry too much. You�ll see him soon, I�m sure. Where�s he going?� To this, the pang that hits and annoyingly weighs, �England.� I say. �What?!!� She yelps. �England!! Oh my God! How have you guys been doing it? England! Well Shit!� I tell you... fate, opportunity, chance, whatever... has run rampid the last few days for he and I... If there is a god... this �it� that is he, can certainly be wicked... and has decided to not waste even a second before testing me... �Wow. It must be so hard. That�s amazing. How have you two been doing it? Do you plan on going to England?� �Sure... yes.� I answer. �Well, you guys won�t do this forever. I�m sure.� Wondering what�s she�s about to get at next, �No, of course not.� I say. �Well honey, if it�s this hard... maybe you two should consider moving in together.� I couldn�t stop smiling. �That could be a plan, yes.� �Does he like it here?� she asks. I chuckle a bit more and sigh. �Yes, he says he does.� TO which she then adds, �Maybe you two will even get married or something.� I could have passed out. Okay Mr. God. Enough... this is all just to fucking coincidental and just plain weird. I felt myself clamping up and start to cry again... and made the abrupt decision to end the conversation. �Oh yeah sure, it�s down stairs.� As she points to a flight of steps, heading a level below. �Okay thank you.� And I drag myself away. I drag away. Drag away. Like a forgotten piece of luggage.
|
| BIO | newest | previous | next | older | rings |
| guestbook | note |
| profile | cast | design | host |
| my survey |
| i love LTJ |
| pictures |