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2002-11-27 : 3:51 p.m.
What's your grief?
Listening to: The Cure (when I get the chance really... I'm still at work...)
I just had the delight of reading the all mighty mini-god, Mr. secondclass... He went on quite a bit, about the "whining's" of diaryland... and much of the "boo-hoo" entry's we have out there... And I have to say I agree... although... my mutual opinion of the matter... goes with saying... that once again: we work with what we know, up to any given moment... Which I have to say... it all kinda made me go back and re-read the little bit of material I have here... and see for myself... how much of a "boo-hoo" I may appear to be... And I have to say... it's a bit hard to tell... because to put it simply (and quite redundantly)... I know, what I know... beginning to end... And with that, I mean- the way I am... and how, I honestly... I can tell you... that I (gleamingly), with full effort... do my best to walk with a lot of the bull shit that goes down... with it as my "experience", not as my weight... I like to think I walk changed... not broken... Maybe it's an ego thing... to walk around thinking no one can "break" me... depress the living shit out of me for a bit... maybe... but break me? Never. Because the news and tomorrow can easily bring up "today's subject"... but I chose how and if I want to pay any attention to it... and if it deserves any merit... and if I cry... (which I do... but it's due to frustration at being at a loss for control sometimes... and frankly... it's either that or I throw heavy objects around to get it out... and being that a few tears is safer for the general public... we'll keep it that way... Besides, I can't afford to break another VCR. And no apologies there Pedro... you can still go fuck yourself...) So yeah... I'm not sure where the need to write about this... really came from... I don't know... maybe it's because I know I'm being "watched" so diligently... and yeah... I write for myself... and "this is for me" and all that nonsense... but as I've written before, when you feel like you've made some kind of connection, you can't help but feel (at least a bit) a sense of responsibility to what you write... not just to the viewers, but yourself really... I would hate to receive any more emails, asking me questions... or any kind of random advice and such... if I didn't think they at least "understood" me and the way I operate... right or wrong. That perception, however minimal... should be accurate... especially, if I'm to re-read, understand... and cope with anything... And on an added note... I feel absolute sadness whenever I read or hear (from my friends or anyone)... when they go on preaching about how they "don't" or "won't" cry... because it really is such a false sense of security... because crying... for anyone really... is just a simple physical manifestation of distress... (And I'm not counting those diva's that bring it on for pure attention points... that's just fucking adolescent and stupid.) But whether or not... you "chose" to illicit control over it... doesn't count for much (I think)... because pain is pain... It's always there... denial or not... So on December 1st (World Aids Awareness Day)... when I'm carefully paying attention to Bono's interview... on Larry King Live... while he talks about all that is wrong in Africa... I'll bet you half of a Gorilla... I'll cry like a fucking pansy... Because although the world is glorious for all that it can do, it certainly is a mutually exclusive piece of shit for all that it won't do... and in that... I will carry my show of strength... in defiance of my next ignorant encounter...
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