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2003-03-28 : 6:45 p.m.
thinned skin...
3-28-03 5:20p.m.
So there I am sat... still filled with anger... This is difficult for me... All of this.. The waking from sleeping dreams, that inflict me with a smile, upon the lifting of my eye lids... �Till I wake fully... And am reminded of what hasn�t changed... But I carry on, keeping my mind busy with something, anything, everything... mundane... and it works... For briefer and breifer periods... Whereby I am reminded- by happenstance... through colors, smells, ideas... hell, even hormones to boot... Which all inevitably send my imagination rolling wildly and colorfully... instigating added euphoria�s of: �...oh we should do that...� or �...oh yeah, I can�t wait to take him there and do that...� Which again, all puts a love struck smile , as witness to my thoughts.... Until again, and again, and again... twenty, thirty, forty times a day... I am reminded of the truth. That his would be- impending arrival, return to my arms, have no definite time, day, month... And the thought only dizzies me, as I once again get lost in the depth, proceeding the slump of said high. And each drop is worse... in jagged, sharp, increments. Until I am finally rescued by another nightfall... and go to bed. Whereby I just lay there, having just had another dose of sleeping pills, to keep the thoughts from this cyclical barrage of fire, from penetrating. And inevitably, inviting added insomnia... To then have it all follow suit... again... the next day. See, I tried a �long� distance relationship once... many, many, years ago. And to think, he was only a five hour drive away. Nevertheless, after about five or so months.. I had enough... But now... With Fletcher.. Only a month later... it�s worse... so very much worse... Because he�s not a drive away... And even if he were, he�s worth more than what a simple one-two day fix, can provide. Because unlike anything or anyone before... I want to spend my life... my life... My active life.. With him. In a way I never imagined or toyed with before... This... all this... and what he means... is all new and as foreign as the British label on his passport, to me. And for that simple reason... I�d risk... and will continue to risk... any sanity I have left... For the simple possibility, of this �rare� kind of forever. But this week... leading to today... sat there at my desk... at work... I buckled to tears... after the most recent wave of exquisite memories and images of him... Because the drop...that drop right after... is wearing me down... It�s beginning to affect my mood every which way. I�m sad or even angry, before I even know it... or am able to get a grip, and understand where it is even coming from. I�m snapping... I feel moody... even polar... It�s as if my subconscious just wants to break... because it simply cannot accept the mundane activities, as reasons for not addressing that... which can�t be fixed... can�t be resolved... can�t be even answered, or given a date to focus, and count down to... Because at the moment, it simply does not exist... At that moment... I just felt desperate and sad all at once... and I�m all ready tired...ALL READY TIRED!!! of making love to dreams... thoughts... a distant voice... I�m not good at this. And never understood, how anyone... ANYONE... Could survive anything of the like... And then you have the added despair that comes with simple things... Like the fact that the ticket price keeps going up just enough... each week... just as I have enough money saved up... and I can�t buy it, and have to wait... And of course... in that instant... I had checked the price again at work... And it�s up another $40... And in the same instant, I have Fletcher emailing me precious love notes... And I just cry... and cry... Because I can�t do anything else... And in that moment, I decide to check my balance at the bank online... Seeing... where, here and there... some more lunch money can be spared... so the ticket isn�t thwarted another week... And there it is... See... I first have to say... that I HAVE NEVER, NEVER... gotten my income tax check within a few months even... Don�t ask why... it just never works out and there is always a problem... so as you can imagine, and as I had told Fletcher... I couldn�t count on that to help me come up with the money... But you got it... There it was... I had just enough... Just enough... and I clicked over... And I have bought my ticket for May... for a little over a week... to be there for his birthday. I couldn�t believe it... and even found myself going against all personal beliefs... and thanking the powers that be... for said intervention. Yes, I am happy... very happy... But ironically enough... still weary... You see... from now and till then... my mind has a date to focus on... whereby I know, something wonderful and grand will take place... But... BUT... I will leave... won�t I? And don�t come to me and tell me... to not worry about it... to just enjoy... because I will... Because this torture... will pick up right were it leaves off... And I will have nothing but empty space to look forward to, for god knows how long... Again. And when I tell you, I feel physically ill without his hand over my face... or warmth at my side... I mean...I feel physically ill. And even when put in perspective... with this war... outside of this country... and those wars... elsewhere, and even at home, that continue to burn for every which reason... As thankful as I truly am, for having him, as remotely as I have... and feeling and experiencing, as fleetingly as it all can be... As some have nothing... Ignorance is still bliss, y'see... And prior to having met and falling in love with Fletcher... I really had no idea, what being fragile and lonely... was like. And now without it hime there... that's all I know.
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