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2003-03-17 : 11:38 p.m.
Get to steppin'...
Okay...
I have sat here... and written and written and written... Reaching the 5th page or the third... or just the second. And frankly... I just don�t want to write about you anymore. I have done what I needed to... to feel okay... To believe with all sincerity... that you are being watched... and you won�t jump off a bridge on one of your bi-polar trips... I took you yelling... I took you telling me off... and I have taken you twisting things... in such a wretched manner... in order to make yourself feel better...by painting me in a scornful light. I practiced patience, that I thought did not exist within the frame of my being... Because you were ill... And I would NOT have been able to cope... going on with my life thinking you could or would do something horrific to yourself... So I took your shit. I took your hate... And processed it into some kind of hope... and maybe... just maybe an acquaintance and even a friendship... For when your mind might reach some level of �health� that could function for said purpose. But it�s not to be. And that is fine. And I�m not going to have one more exchange with you...on any level... If all you have to share... is �fuck you... liar... liar... oh no, fuck you...� I did my part. I�m at peace, that you will be okay. As Cathy once told me... �I can care about you... I can love you enough... to make sure you are okay. But I will not be held responsible for misery that was not mine to begin with.� And so... I began to step away... With a watchful eye... and a faithful hello... often enough... to let you know I would be there... But you decided... to �want� me again? And you expected for me to understand this revelation how? The only thing that served... was to throw me for a loop... I mean seriously? After all I had been frank with you about??? And on top of it all... knowing... and understanding... the point of which I had reached... All of which I was direct and straight forward with you... From what I thought could or couldn�t happen with my beautiful boy... I mean Christ! I wasn�t kidding when I told you I wasn�t sure what if anything could come out of this... and no one is more surprised than he and I... but that�s neither here nor there... Nor none of your concern... And as you said... �Well, this time, I can�t handle it.� So don�t. Stop torturing yourself with curiosity... and take me off your favorites page. Stop reading me. S-T-O-P. If you ever do feel comfortable enough to come to me, for something you might need... with clear and honest intentions... then you will. You fucking know how to find me. But seriously? Do you really want to be reading this? Is this helpful? No. And GOD knows I don�t read you... I find myself stumbling on your page... when I follow the hit back to you... And frankly... I�d appreciate it... if I didn�t find myself there again. I have no desire to read things that for the most part... follow incoherent... random, rant patterns... Especially... when it might per chance refer to me. And don�t use the excuse of... �Just my way of keeping up, cuz I care...� Because if that were so... your intentions and attitude would have been different from the start... So please... take me off... And take the time you need...to get fucking better...FOR YOURSELF. And heed my warning one last time... If you need to vent any more sarcasm, annoyances, or deliberate facetious remarks... BRING IT TO ME. You will NOT confer with Fletcher on any level...NONE. He has nothing to do with you. Understood? So if he per chance happens to forget the name of another locale... leave it to me... I think we�ll do just fine. Your presence does not need to be known... under any circumstance, unless it�s honorable... God knows that is a work in progress... So go now... and begin by removing me off your list. If your gonna play paranoid man... by signing everyone and their mother on your MSN chat... just so you can preemptively... as you put it...� block them...� Whatever tickles your dick hon�... (Seriosusly...whatever...) Then at least play the routine all the way... no shortcuts... AND TAKE ME OFF. (It�s a healthy way to start, don�t ya think?)
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