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2003-03-02 : 12:16 a.m.
Sweet-tarts...yummmm...
Listening to: Fletcher�s mix CD
So today has proved to be very, very interesting. From getting to the post office nice and early. (For a Saturday anyway.) To this very point... which may mean having to break all that�s running through my head into a couple of entries. But yes... the day began at the post... spending 15 minutes... trying to explain to the post lady, what was inside the box- posted for England. �Twinkies...� �Weeen-keys?� In her heavy Japanese accent. �No...Twinkies...You know that fluffy snack with a cream filling?� �Whaaaah? Whaa dat? Food... you send food to England?� �Umm.. Yes.� It was a delivery promised to Fletcher�s baby brother in England. It was the one thing he had asked for... but due to Pimp Fletcher�s hectic tour schedule... to see his ladies... (ahem...) He hadn�t the time to retrieve the product for his little bro�. Which is where my services came in. �Whiye you sen food to der? Don�t dey hab weeen-keys der?� �Umm... no actually they don�t.� And so 16 bucks and change later, for a box wrapped retardedly in bubble wrap, worth ey?... about five bucks... is finely on it�s way to England via air mail... Mission: �Twinkie scout and deliver� is done!! Ok... so off I went to my favorite spot in the whole wide world afterwards. It�s the one place I would gladly fork over money every which way...anytime. No... not the bar... but close... If only because... the bar scene becomes... �OH- Oh-ooooh...� so much sweeter and far less worrisome (for what normally can go along...after said occurances at a bar...), after my visit to my first fav place...the... Aaahhhh.... birth control... Tacky to talk about? Yeah sure... But good god... there is no greater invention for my �peaceful� state of mind... and there can be no argument with that. In any case... my visits there... are also, very interesting to boot... Every time. (As my last visit here.) There�s always something interesting to bear witness too... which always gives way to some kind of revelation in the end... Today was no exception. So in I go... and do the usual... They check my bags... go through the metal detector... again... again... and again... Each time, removing one more piece of metal off my body, (watch, rings, belt...yada...yada), each time... Until I�m in my socks and holding my pants up... Grief... And then I get buzzed in the first time... and then go on to the second door and buzzed again... And from there I just go straight for my drug counter... sign in... wait... and get my name called... �Alejandra!� Ok yup! Off I go... �Hi honey...� Same lady as always... love her... She�s maybe in her early 40's, African American, very direct, and a wise crack. Makes me laugh all the time. �Hello.� I tell her. �Ummm... honey... We don�t carry the Ortho you take anymore...� I shit you not... I swallowed my tongue... �Huh?! What?� I start to panic. So the episode continues with her scrutinizing every single man that tries to date her... trying desperately, every which way, with interviews- with any and all random questions, trying to figure out... not if they�re just good at it... but are they a good whole package see... I laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the whole premise of the episode, like everyone else. But... That desperation... Good god.... I understand it all to well now. After all, comedy is based on reality ey? No shit... Some girls may not be able to live without a certain shade of lip stick, foundation, dress, or a particular kind of man- for a back bone... But my pills... Gooooood god... don�t fuck with my pills... So in that desperation... I clamp my hands over the counter... pull myself over- in a move that surely read pure agony and despair... �What?� I repeat. �What do you mean? Oh my god... you have to help me. Where can I get soooome?� The �sooome� word, leaving my mouth in almost a shocked whisper of sorts. �Don�t worry honey... Ortho still makes the pill... they�ve just had to lower the dose on it. They found that it was to high. So they�re just calling the new one something different to reflect the change.� �Whaaaa?� I was perplexed in my shock. �Okay, same pill... but the dose is lower. But...ummm... I kinda like my really �high� dose.� �Are you kidding me?� I�m thinking. Drug me up! Death to Spermies!!! Whatever! And add to that, every time I get the hormone changed with my precriptions... I break out. And I�m getting way to old for the acne break outs man... Fuck that. �Well, I can give you a prescription. And you can go around to whomever still might carry some and get a few more packs. But you will have to change over at some point. Especially at your yearly exam. The doctor will force you to switch over at that point.� �But... but... but... lower? Why? I�m fine... I like my pill... why? I deseeeerve my pill. Ugh!� �Well... what do you want to do?� she asks. �It IS... just as effective, right?... RIGHT?� Of course I know the answer is gonna be yes... but I just NEEDED to hear it. �Yes, of course honey... and you look like you�re on top of it...� She chuckles her butt off, at her own pun. �So you�ll be fine honey...� I laugh as well... �Okay fine, I�ll just switch over... � �The usual?� She asks. �Yeah please... Man... why did they have to go and mess with my candy... I love my candy... we�re buddies...ugh!� She starts laughing again, and yells to one of the girls in the back... �Can I get two packs of Sweet-tarts for the trick-or-treater up here.� We both laugh our butts off... a double whammy for the lady at the counter! She�s on fire today!!! I get my two packs... say my farewells... wish her well... and I�m off. And the whole way on the train... and my walk home... With the culmination of so many things running through my mind as of late... I couldn�t help to feel uneasy over the anxiety I had just experienced. I mean, I�m not against the idea of kids or having them... (although I have no intention, or feel that its even an option in any foreseeable future.) I am at peace with the idea of maybe just never having them as well. Should that be the case. I don�t know. Kids just have never been on my priority list I guess. It�s just the conclusion I�ve come to... being that at 26... my notions of �not being ready� for anything like that... just hasn�t changed or peaked once in my life... And being yes 26 years old (albeit, not that it�s so old...) But, I just don�t see it happening any time soon... and frankly, I�ve yet to feel once that I�d make a good parent anyway... (contrary to everything I�ve been told... and even experienced as a substitute teacher in the past. I do enjoy kids and such.) But I just seem to be lacking some kind of faith or nerve I guess. Regardless... these notions or feelings have yielded what I think is a positive approach to protecting myself... That and no mo�fo is too be trusted with any weapon that has a tendency to spit on you in such a fashion anyway... what can I say? Ha! But... I wonder where along the line... did it become a negative dependency... a fear so great, that it yields absolute panic attacks? Where along the line... Did it become paranoia for me? Am I not normal? Or worse... am I that self defeatest? Faithless? Grief.
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