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2002-12-17 : 6:37 p.m.
recollecting thoughts...
I wrote this a bit over nine months ago... I had barely completed a month, upon my arrival into New York City... and mind you, this was also written days prior to the demise of �any� relationship Jorge and I may have had� and days prior to� well� talking with Danny� and my mentioning� that as friends we shouldn�t �fuck� anymore� (sorry, but those were my exact words to him�)
Written 3-10-02 3:09 p.m. I'm in a different star buck's this time... the one I normally get my coffee, when coming off the ferry. God, I need to get a job. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Kyona and the likes tell me to stick to temp work, so I can remain flexible... but keeping up with any temp work feels impossible. I'm getting a bit uneasy. It's been three full weeks, and I don't really have shit to show for it. And I'm scared. Jorge isn't going to be around forever to save me. God bless him. He really has been a savior all along... Christ... what to do? I'm competing with so called "triple threats" for anything or everything... And I don't even have a monologue memorized. After watching 'Fight Club' last night, I'm starting to wish there was a support group for "wanna be actors". There are so many pretty and attractive people in the world, and not just aesthetically... but that "presence"... I wish I had that... Like Luis Jimenez... Orlando... they're different... they have it. And on another note... Why am I wanting Danny? It must be the "can't have" syndrome...must be... And Jorge is just too good... too good... It makes me teary-eyed... He really does deserve all the opportunity he has... Today, I woke up with the most annoying sore throat... and without hesitation he looks for something or anything that might help... I can't imagine Danny being as "unselfish" as Jorge... and he is that... just not to Jorge's extreme... and Danny does have moments where he shows me that maybe, he could be... but... without a question or hesitation? to give whatever... whenever? I don't know... but then again, I probably would misconstrue that... and take it to mean more than what it does in actuality... Jorge is definitely a soul mate- if you will� I had to have done something pretty decent at some point to have him with me as I do� And Danny (A.) he�s definitely meant to be in my life for some reason� I just don�t know why? Or for what? Some lesson? What? I think I finally understand on of the bigger lessons from Danny (G.)� it�s become a kind of tool for me really� Because I can take anything, absolutely anything now and ask�. Really� Because nothing will ever be worth more than him� or his dreams or his wishes� The only question I�m ever really left with� Is am I brave enough? Yeah� I know� you can�t be brave without scared�
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