2002-12-10 : 6:11 p.m.
Searching for more time...

Written jounal entry:
12-10-02 12:11 a.m.

Listening to: The Cure (The Head on the door)

Again...
it's as if I'm attempting to dwell in between days...

A picture of Emilio and I, sits directly across from me-
And I'm over come with the news I received of him- from him, yesterday.

That has left me feeling in search of 'extra'... in between days, weeks, months, years, that flee from me.
And all I can do, is glance to my side- and look at such beautiful roses- that too, turn away from me with time.

I know I've been harping- over this turn in age... that stares me down- just days away...

And I've never... ever dreaded age... as I do at this very moment...
Yes, I've always joked about it with friends... but that was about it...

Jokes.

I can't begin to tell you how little the actual "age" bothered me... it was merely a number- that would help me gauge how long my parent's have been unethically married... how old my brother was... and how many years, continue to pass... that Danny (G.) never got to see...

but the feel of "old"?

Never.

Because I always fundamentally felt the same... a bit wiser, more experienced... maybe...
but the same.

But I now know... it was all due to my environment... and the people I obssesedly love...

Because they in fact... remained the same...

The only other time in my life I felt like this, was upon graduating from U.F.

I had walked the walk on December 19th of 1999... and turned 23 the next day...

I felt old, because the Gainesville i had come to know- had already begun it's own departure- and was changing.

it was becoming someone else's Gainesville...

The culture and friends-- who had become my lovers... my saviours... were moving on. And disappearing into different corners of the world...
literally, over night.

And my own impending metamorphis was too... inevitable.
I knew... I knew already, that I would have to leave Jorge...

let him go.

He was part of the package, and I had to say goodbye to it all..

And all that... gave me a sense of "age".

Because I wasn't just different... I had been remarkedly changed... and made aware of the hidden life... that can lie unappreciated in between days.

And now, I sit again... in a whole new city... in a whole new element... and once again, my environment... is holding me accountable for the telling of time...

And ironically enough, it's not the fact that I am in a new city- a new "physical" environment-
As when I had moved to gainesville- the change... the physical change, only made me feel refreshed- reinvigorated... but not old...

No, it's Emilio- who is becoming the man I knew he would be. The kind of man, I wish to be with and I continue to search for in my sleep...

It is also Shari... who is becoming the woman she longed to be-- in love with her 'mind', as well as her heart... (see bubbles, some things are worth the long wait...)

It's Jennifer (F.)-- who always stood next to me as we cheered in unison: "Death to the spermies that should dare to think, they will ever touch such eggs!!! Ha! Never!" (uhh... yeah...)
She now has a one and a half year old... (albeit, accidentally...) And although, she insists, this will never happen again! (That's right dear ol' hubby... snip, snip... dear...)
She keeps trying to convince me- "Alex... just one... just one... in ten years... whenever... but don't say never." Because she never imagined these "feelings"... this experience... this right... ehhh... I don't know...

(I can't ever imagine being a good mother... I'm simply too chaotic... and worse, what if something happened to the child... at any age... I mean, I still have trouble dealing with Danny (G.)-- and I'm really not trying to be melodramatic here... but...
if i did have this inexplicable, fantastic, and overwhelming love for such a creature (more than what I felt for Danny?)...)

Well, I would kill myself...

I would.

I'm just not equipped.

Yes, it's them and others...

And all these babies, marriages, work ventures... geographical re-locations...

has completely erased and disheveled all the cells in my life.

My friends... my baby brother... are all changing...

And it's changing me...

it's giving me Age...

And I don't like it.

Even the way I choose to become enamored or smitten... has changed...
(over the internet? what?) With a delightful creature, I cannot see or touch?

Oh... the impending torture this could bring...

Not that it's surprising...

As the men who are my best friends- I inevitably am loved by and love for various reasons...

I choose to only be around people... I just have to Love... Being in... and being with...

And I choose well.

But yes... Emilio... if she does take you away-- from all of us--

I will miss you.

As I love you very much...

so I guess, i'll just sit here...

Forever awestruck by these roses that keep me company-

and mistified...

with all that can and cannot happen...

(ehhh... I wonder how many more doors can be opened with new and surprising, tickling tortures...)

I wonder if the roses too... think... that there is more time to be found-- by resting a bit longer...

in between days.

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* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24