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2002-11-17 : 2:17 p.m.
toxicity
Book entry: 11-16-02 1:26 a.m.
Listening to: Semi Sonic Oh sweet jesus!! Shit... shit... shit... FUCK!!!! I cannot find my journal... shit... Instead I'm here, writing in my... scrapbook(?)... My, everything else book... but my most recent little journal book... where are you? I'm flustered and hysterical... I've looked everywhere in my room- the apartment.... fuck... everywhere! And I can't remember where I last saw you... FUCK! Because it's been days, since I wrote in you... My fingers have dropped the inks they would bleed with you--- to go and type with a cheap poser floozy... Fuck! So I didn't need you for a bit--- you little shit!! But I have never lost any of you ever! Ooooh! Now I'm getting furious you little fuck! Come Out!!! I'm not done with you yet! Oh please???? Come now.... Don't leave me too... So many empty pages... and the pages already inked had prose... script ideas... chit-chats... and memories I still can't compose to such a computer.... Because I am still too chicken to tell... to chicken to tell it all... You little Fuck! oh please... Wait until I'm dead to get lost-- then I can be the one to let you go! Don't do it now, when it's obvious to you and I, that I was never really the independent one... Never. You were and are, my crux... there, you win.. Please, I've never felt powerful and clear--- the leader- the woman my mother tells me she envy's and wishes she could be... Oh, please... come back... my truth, my vulnerable truth... I want to tell you what's playing right now... It's Semi Sonic... do you hear it? "How like you to make the whole world disappear and/ How like you to make everything seem so clear and/ How like you to make me want to stay forever/ Here behind your door... D N D... Hang the sign on the door... D N D... don't disturb us no more... How like you to make your love my hideaway and/ How like you to make my troubles slide away and/ How like you to make me want to play forever/ Here behind your door..." Jesus where? I need to tell you things right now... right now. I don't have a computer here... you know that... don't patronize me... And even if that were the case, you know I'd keep you there, always... Man's greatest little invention to me... paper, in the perfect shape... bound, for all creative endeavors to share... Oh where are you? The power could go off... I could even run out of ink... but the use of my blood would suit you just the same... you'd soak it up, for us to reread... I'm worried and I need to tell you why... Uuuugh... I returned Shawn's call... he wants to see me Sunday. He sounds happy and in good spirits... I was glad to hear his voice really. But I'm scared and nervous..... sad... I've seen him all but five times since September 1st... but who's counting ey? He may very well, just be in need of a friend(?) Maybe... but you know... that I just do not know how to do this... I suck. I'm terrible. My mind wants to be there for him entirely. It wants to be there... if that is the case... But my heart knows... oh! it knows the front---- the acting... the typical routine... all too well... We'll be sitting at a table, having dinner somewhere... And I'll be forcing the food down... past the knot in my throat... that is just as equally pushing the puke valve shut... And as he talks--- I'll listen, And when I can't eat anymore... my legs will begin to shake... my hands will fall to my lap- below the table line of view... where they'll pick at each other-- amids the scars... from the nervous chews and picks that leave my fingers bloody... day after day... even in my sleep. And I'll be staring at him, memorizing his mouth- And then the pain will reach my chest- because, I will secretly dwell in the perpetual thought- that maybe, just maybe... he'll lean over the table and kiss me- Like he has never done before... and in all likelihood- not do now- And I'll be plagued with another memory... that in fact never existed. Please where are you? Tell me how to taper hope? Feed me my own thoughts, so that I may see the clue... please, taper this hell of hope. Ambivalence and resolution- in separation from others, is so easy- So let me have it! As panzer-kitty herself has written... how easy it is to be complacent in distance. But I know that is not to be... because complacency, is only the worst form of denial. And I don't want to be in that hole again-- NO. FUCK THAT. Not again. No more Pedro's or Jose's to physically violate me through the trap door of my own ambivalence. I will not be complacent in distance to others... and fall into such a "loner" trap... where I convince myself that... that is some warped form of control... When I am not... in control. No... Not again. But I need you to remind me of this... don't you see? So where are you? Don't bail on me too... you fucking little book. Shit, and you have no name-- if you are found, you will be considered random... when you are not... You hold Danny (G.), Shawn, and new characters entering stage left to my on-going plot... Oh what do I do? I miss Shawn... You hold my most recent thoughts of him... If I can read you, maybe it will all finally click? Just maybe...? Please come back... and save me. I need to love like I need to breathe--- but it's been bottled up for so long... it's becoming toxic... Where are you? Do you hear Dan Wilson singing? "... She's gone to the movies, and she's not coming back/
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