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2003-02-01 : 12:47 p.m.
Love You
Written: 1-31-03 At: 11:07 a.m.
Listening to: Nothing... I'm at work... This has been a hell of a week. Emotionally exhausted is an understatement. From this past Sunday on- it's been stuff after stuff... and I have that horrible feeling-- that I absolutely loathe... That kind of knot in your chest- that makes you feel like... just one more thing, one more thing... and your going to collapse. So I warn you now... this is going to be quite the whine list.... ********************************************************** I use to love coming to this job I have... It's an absolute shit job. But the group of people I was working with, were my saving grace. There's Ed. A 49 yr old, 300 pound, Irish, Harley Riding champ, with pierced testicles... and rampid tatoos under typical semi-corporate wear... who's a riot... Aaaahhh... the conversations about punk bands.... the nasty sex jokes we'd throw back and forth... a RIOT(!), I tell you. Then, Brigid. Then of course, Paola... the biggest instigator I have to go forth and multiply... or at least get seriously laid... So fun is always a given with her... and then there's others like Deanna- who's just cool and fun... and Cathy... an irish lady in her 50's... who's as scandelous as anything... and treats me like her precious daughter... which is always endearing... But see... last week... was our last week as a unit... Making a long story, short... Seriously, I normally don't run around tooting my horn here.... just take my word for it. It's true. But I have this petite- over achiever poodle... who sits over me... or worse, does crap like sneak up on me and read my emails... (as I do...) and such... and hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she's reading this right now... and intruding via Diaryland "guest" appearances. Oh yeah... and today she decided to drag me into work an extra half hour early... just so she can tell me she's decided to give me a month to prove myself... Oh yeah... and my favourite part of the conversation... ready? She busts out with.... "Oh I was really upset to hear that you won't be here for almost a week... but I understand, you have to see your boyfriend... and get that out of your system..." (She's referring to me taking time off of work, for Fletcher's visit.) WHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTT????????? "He's not my boyfriend... and funny enough... the details of our "status"- for lack of a better word... was never made public office agenda....hmmmm...." I begin to play stupid here... "I wonder why on earth... so many people whom I don't even speak to... come to such conclusions... about.... oh you know... my 'romantic' inclinations..." I was fuming inside... It was the kind of fuming... that takes such a will to hold back... that you actually feel as though, you may burst into tears instead. And then she says, "Oh yeah... okay... sure... your...'Friend'... right... whatever..." Implying otherwise. Screw that... I am not bringing Fletcher to this place (the office)... so he can meet the friends I have here... to then have to deal with the aftermath- from the unwanted fuck-nuts...There's no way... SO BUG OFF!!!!!!!! Add to that... on sunday... our toilet went balsistic... the thing was flippin... POSSESED. It basically flooded the bathroom... and guess who had to take the puppy on? Me... of course.... no one else but me. And for that entire day... we were toilet-less... Then Monday... Paola drags me out... and buys crap for me... which just goes into a whole other set of issues I have. But it basically can be simplified to this: If I say no... reallly... no.... then can we please just accept that I don't like accepting gifts? So.... NO. Then Tuesday... I get the temporary veneers in... (they have to stay in for two weeks.) I didn't know they were going to do that much.... and THAT.... my friends... had me in excrutiating pain.... they basically had to trim off all the enamel of ten of my upper teethe... which exposes every last nerve. Well...when it was done... I got the first look of my new mouth... and I shit you not... I look so fucking different.... (to me anyway...) And to be honest with you... I flipped out. (Not in a good way... I cried.) And not because it looks bad... it looks beautiful... I actually looked at myself... and for the first time in my life thought: "Wow... I'm pretty." Which sounds so stupid... and in turn made me feel so stupid... Who knew I was still so uncomfortable in my own skin? And so I cried. and then for the next two days... the temps gave me problems... and I had to rush myself to the dentist... for pain... and more pain. And in the midsts of all this... some bittersweet news... I'm gonna have a little god baby to snuggle and love... because Shari is pregnant. But it comes in the midst of a rough point in her life... with so much left undone... but luckily the man involved... is solid... and regardless of any outcome they may hold for each other... the baby will never be without a dad. So yeah... bittersweet. And of course... with all that... came a wave of memories and ideas... of all the things we use to do.... and wanted to do. And consequently won't. And it brings me back to feeling something I didn't like feeling before... Old. Walking down Ocean Drive with heels. Just to bust some balls... Over. Going to festivals, bars, trips, as we use to... renting... whatever.... Entirely too difficult. All my friends.... Are growing up... too fast. Oh yeah... and last night... Dinner.... wine... film developing... dark room.... deep conversations... Danny (A.). All too bittersweet. Too much to write about at this moment (with regards to him). I'm still reeling from it all... and I need time to process the words, feelings, and revelations brought forward... See... i realized that he and I... outside of chance and circumstance... are not together, nor will we be... for one specific reason: Fear. For we have the same exact fear... and the same exact concession to those thoughts... and worse... neither one knows how to remedy it... So you have two fools... who can't coach the other into some faith... He also went on to say some of the most wonderful things that... he has EVER told me... He was raw... and honest, like never before... "We just fit." he'd say. Yeah... we do. And for the first time I realized something... that panged me like an overwhelming sense of tragedy... We can never share with each other the most poignant of expressions , to which I readily would give to family and the closest of friends... "I love you". Because Ironically enough... that would be 'crossing THE line'. How unfair.
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