|
2002-10-19 : 2:01 p.m.
Words mean nothing I supose
Well last night came to a closing as such...
I called him... because well, our previous conversations have been absolutely wonderful... and obviously I just don't know how to take my own advice, you see... I call, and he (accidentally...) hung up on me... alrighty... no problem... He calls me back and well... hmmm??? The conversation is as follows: "Hello love.." I answer. "Hello baby..." (Immendiately I notice the background noise... or lack there of, because well... I have a nack for being a little P.I. about shit... it's a gift I suppose... and anywho... the background just didn't sound familiar...) "Hmmm... are you at work?" I ask. "Oh no, we're done..." "Oh... Are you still in the theatre though?" (I hear a voice mumble in the background.) "Oh no...uh, actually I'm here with Jinay..." "Here?" "Yeah, we shared a cab home together." "uh...huh..." I am quite confused... (Then he proceeds to say something jokingly to Jinay... I couldn't really hear.) "uh, yeah..." he continues. "Yeah, I didn't want to be alone tonight." "okay...?" "Yeah, Matty is gone for the weekend." (Matty is his roommate.) "uh...huh..." I'm still confused. "Yeah so, we're gonna have a girly slumber party... We just came by her place so she could pick some stuff up..." "What? What?" I really can't believe what I am hearing. You see, I haven't seen him in weeks at this point... and I would bet my left tit, my heart and soul have been there at this boys disposal- three fold compared to anyone. Again..." What????" "uh yeah, I didn't want to be alone..." he replies... "What the fuck? You didn't want to be alone??? What? Why didn't You call ME??? WHat???" at this point I think I'm about to pass out... but I continue... "What? WHy wouldn't you call me? I haven't seen you in weeks?" "Alex... Alex... Alex... god no... we just decided this an hour ago." "AnnnnDDD???? No, no, step into my shoes for just a second here... please... and tell me what this looks like... two very heterosexual... male and female... hung up on shit... LONELY!!! What? Why on earth would you not CHOOSE to call me? Why?" And I shit you not, he does not answer this... he hands the phone over to her instead... "oh hey honey..." she says. My response... classic I must say... "AAAaaawwww JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO..." Her response... as sweet and as tender as a limp banana... "oh honey... I'm sorry." "look Jinay... no really this is not with you, it's the point of it... you know what... fuck it, I'm not his mother... and obviously I'm not his... (pause) well, you know...." Her response... priceless... with a sympathetic and weary tone she says..."oh yeah... I know. Uh- huh." And I know she said some other things to be coy and sweet... but I just blocked her out at that point... I had to... it was the only way to keep myself from ripping her head off through the phone... which would only serve to fuel their mission. He get's back on the phone... "Why did you put her on the phone?" "Because I felt I had to..." he answers. (in the back ground she says..."I wanted to say hello.") "What?" I said. "And she just wanted to say hi." he repeats. (again I kept my mouth shut... because this was the thought bleeding in my mind: The girl has had my phone number for ages at this point... and never, not that I care... but never used the shit...to call or antyhing at all.. not even to check on Shawn with me... curiousity, real care, a searchfor all possible shit... nothing! EVER! And you think she really, I mean really wants to say hello? Now? oh but of course... to be nice... to YOU, you fucking ASSHOLE... not me! Can we move beyond the antics of Junior high please?) I start freaking out at this point... my body just doesn't know what to do... I can feel the tears coming down... I can feel my hands shaking... AND i SIMPLY JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. "Alex?" silence. "Alex?" "yeah... " He's apparently a bit flustered at this point... but only a bit... "wait a minute... 'YOU' are mad?" I ask. "Yes, Alex... I am mad..." "what? Why? What?" Confusion takes over again. "look, I'll call you tommorrow in between shows, okay?" "What?" "I'll call you tomorrow." I hung up... I just hung up on him... and simultaneously dropped to the floor and just cried. You win. You win Shawn. Congrats. You win. The funny thing is, is that even if the night were "clean"... so to speak... he really doesn't have a clue that, that is not the point... I have been here for you day in day out... even in the midsts of your "bad days" and treating me with absolute disdain and shit... I have been there... from day one, before the job, before anything... don't you get it? what your actions are telling me? That I am only worth a phone call in between laundry loads... on the walk home... becuase you don't want to feel lonely... and not because you really really want to talk to me... Alex. And you have the nerve to tell me you love me... And this wouldn't have hurt as much... but like an idiot, I again... again... regretably believed you. You give me credit for nothing... You don't count your blessings with me for nothing... i'm the dick warmer, just there... making sure your ready to go till the next episode... I was there for you, because with all my soul I appreciated and loved you... and I thought your responses recently have been genuine. Why didn't you call me Shawn? If it really was all just a technicality? And don't you dare chalk this up to: hey this is just the way I need to deal... because the world does not revolve around your crisis... and furthermore, you are still responsible for your actions. You love me? You care? Really? Then "show me the money..." Because my pockets are empty... you have it all.
|
| BIO | newest | previous | next | older | rings |
| guestbook | note |
| profile | cast | design | host |
| my survey |
| i love LTJ |
| pictures |