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2002-11-27 : 3:04 p.m.
daddy's little girl
Listening to: The Cure (The Head On The Door)
First� ouch my mouth� Second� ouch my ears� Third� ouch my heart� ��yesterday I got so old� I thought that I could die/ My dad called me yesterday� and as it has been for some time� it was an odd and as of late� quite common and superficial conversation� By superficial, I mean� without substance of course� then again� any conversation, compared to the ones we use to have (now a few years ago) seem superficial� He called me from Puerto Rico� (he was in the midst of another lay over from one of his flights� he�s a cargo airline pilot- see�) It�s probably been weeks since I�ve actually heard his voice last� he wanted to see how I was doing, after my little mouth operation� and to tell me my mumsy, would be calling me a day later� so as not to make me talk anymore than I have to� The conversation went as follows, in Spanish� but translated for your benefit dear diary� �Ale`! Hola!� With my newly acquired lisp� �hi daddy, how are you?� �Oh� fine�fine� in Puerto Rico, for a stop� how�d the operation go?� �Good� good� I�m just really sore right now�� (*pause*) �Mmmm�okay�well�ummm�if you need anything?� �Yeah, I�m fine� really�� (And to make an annoyingly long story a bit shorter� the same benign flow continued with the following topics: �How�s the dog?�, �How�s the weather?�, �Going home for Christmas?� oh good, oh good��, �Mami will call later�right�right���Now add long pauses, in between each segment� till it�s inevitable uncomfortable end�) My dad: �Well� I�m gonna go get dinner�� �Oh, okay�� And then I do� what has become a very (admittedly) unhealthy thing� I waited for him to say it first� He hesitates a bit��I love you�� and sighs� �Ummm� uh� I love you too daddy� bye.� And I hang up the phone. And I know�deep down inside� that my mother nudged him a bit in order to call� I know this� it�s hard for him, y�see� Because I know he loves me� and he lost half of his world, when he lost me� I�ve forgiven him� but at the same time� I can�t let it go�because it all completely changed me� For so, so long� I had always prided myself on really being able to treat each person based on their individual merits� I can honestly say, that for much of my entire life� my current �boyfriend�-if you will, never paid the price for any heinous crimes committed before him� I just never believed it to be fair� and I know any and all would agree� but how many of us actually make a concerted and conscious effort, to judge someone solely on what they give to you� Consider that a challenge� So yeah� that�s how I once was� I�m working a bit backwards I suppose.. But I was the undeniable��daddy�s little girl�� and any man I ever met had to encompass just a few of the same traits� I believed were true to the core� For one� if love is to be measured� it�s to be mounted against the effort put forward by any sole person� not the defining result. Anyone can create a �result�� but very few have the character to actually get up to actually carry you to any finish line� So as long as my dad fought and tried� he was infallible� It didn�t matter that I couldn�t have the same dress as the other girls in the fifth grade� it didn�t matter that my room wasn�t so big� it didn�t matter that I got daisy�s instead of roses� because they grew just the same� and were colored by the same light� Yeah, it didn�t matter� There is nothing more honest� more truthful than the �effort� you put in loving someone� You can love anyone� but does it matter? Does your breath� depend on it? Effort. And I honestly thought� this man�s effort would never waver� it would never end� And when it did� even if (in perspective) for just a few days� Daddy�s little girl lost all faith� and now nothing is real to me anymore� Nothing. And as horrible as it sounds� I �hate� him for that� He had no idea� but He was the �proof� for all that I believed� And it too� became fallible� Which is why this �little girl�, may never let herself be walked down the aisle�
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